Thought = madness

A boat, a dream, and a reality

2011-08-03T13:53:00.000-07:00

So you may have heard. I am on a boat kick. I have been on many kicks in my day, jumping from this to that, dreaming about someday. This someday I would be rich I would be famous but most of all I would be who I want to be. Well it's not coming. Dreams are only dreams if they remain dreams to you. You can not hope to accomplish ANY dream simply by dreaming about it.

I spent my childhood waiting to grow up then I spent my teen years not wanting to grow up. Then I began waiting again. Waiting for that day where my what my parents or a reasonable facsimile of them, has accomplished to happen for me. That day wont come where I am sitting now.

Debt, fatigue from the grind, and a lot of missed opportunities has left me feeling empty. Empty of those true accomplishments.I can't afford my life and I can't sustain this facade anymore.

I am drowning.

But here is where the boat kick comes in. See what I did there?

I started thinking about owning a boat long ago but as all these things do the boat seeming unobtainable became a "someday" and became second to the things I needed to do. But recently a couple trips around my neighborhood I rekindled this desire and I began casually looking at the costs involved. That put it back into the realm of fantasy. I can't even afford rent and the bills how can I own a boat?

But I kept looking. Boats everywhere, but for anything nice it was expensive. But then I started looking at high end large boats and I was suprised to find out there are amazing vessels out their under 100K. I was astounded I rent an apartment and am insanely considering buying on for five times that.

What is wrong with this picture?

I have done my homework it is not cheap to own a boat. But I will tell you this much. It is owning. It is capital. For less than the cost of my apartment I can live on a OWN and live on 59 foot Ketch.

I mentioned this to Kerry and I swear I have the coolest wife in the world, because I am the one dude who could have a dream like that and their wife say. SURE!

I found a boat I could possibly afford. I look at it and think that is achievable. But as with anythings there are many cons and pessimistic ways of looking at it. But then again...

Dreams really do come true.

But only if you take the risks.

Children are not born scientists....

2011-07-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

I often hear the phrase "children are born scientists", which on the surface sounds beautiful and is based on the fact that a child will ask "why" incessantly — so it seems plausible. In my opinion it is simply not true.

Children are born believers. A scientist does not ask "why?". A scientist finds out why. Unfortunately children are not built with the ability to seek any truth other than the truths given to them by their environment (parents, teachers, religious figures, or group leaders) and they are told to accept what is told to them and they simply do. Children need to develop critical thinking for themselves, much as we all likely had to at some point in our lives to bring us here.

What can we do to help our children grow up to think critically about their world? Stop answering your children’s questions about the world and start empowering them with the necessary tools.

Take your kids to the library with a list of questions they have asked and go find a book to help them use the index. When THEY locate the answer they will remember it. It was them that answered their own question.
Show your child Wikipedia and how to do searches within it.

Once they find the answer make sure you assure them they have done a very important thing. Celebrate their success in learning. Help them to formulate a response if ever asked the question. The pride they will feel when answering the question with "I went to the library and looked this up and..." versus "My mom said..." will be worth the extra time from your day to help your child become empowered.

Thoughts?

Madness: Zahra's leg was discovered

2010-10-27T15:01:00.001-07:00

Main stream media is reporting the discovery of a prosthetic leg matching the description of Zahra's. It was found in a bush off a road on Caldwell County NC.

Mattress and the leg, both likely pointed out by the step mom.

It is over. I hope they can still find a body for the bio mom.

Thought: Four Stories one crime 1 of 4

2010-10-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

Filicide is the deliberate act of a parent killing their own son or daughter. The word filicide derives from the Latin words filius meaning "son" or filia meaning daughter and the suffix -cide meaning to kill, murder, or cause death. - Source Wikipedia.

Filicide is primarily used to describe killing one’s OWN child but I think in light of how western culture treats marriage and therefore guardianship we can still lump the step parents into this mix. In each case there is possible biological parental involvement as well so for ease of discussion I will refer to all of these as alleged Filicide.

In this entry I will look at the initial stories as these are the most important. These stories are the product of what little planning was done in the attempt to cover up the crime.

In all cases an adolescent (or in Casey's case a toddler) is or was missing allegedly at the hands of a primary caregiver.

In all cases the stories suggest NO involvement of the parent and they all incorporate an apparent abduction.

Each child was reported missing at some point to police by a family member and in all but Casey’s case the suspect themselves. Thought: Establish doubt of involvement by being the one to report the crime. Reality: The person who reports a crime will be scrutinized and analyzed and every word they say will be poured over and profiled.

Of the four on one case found any trace of the body. That much of the plan was organized.

But what can we learn from these stories that are woven in several peoples minds for basically the same act.

These stories all aim to misdirect or establish an alternate reality where the story can be believed. Fortunately we are not dealing with masterminds here, or better yet, even remotely competent people. It pains me to say this but the smartest cookie in the bunch just might be Casey.

The stories

Casey and the case of the imaginary nanny.
Misty and the night time intruder
Terri's and the case of the portal to the twilight zone
Elisa and Adam and the case of the directionally challenged disgruntled employee

Casey and the case of the imaginary nanny.

First lets look at Casey. At the time of the crime and subsequent questioning Casey was __ years old. Her story is wrapped up in the drama that a 20 some would have. Clubbing, overbearing parents, clubbing, overbearing parents, slutting about, and funnily enough seems to be ripped of an episode of One Tree Hill. That is not figuratively Episode 100 was a kidnapping by a nanny who looks remarkably like the nanny.

Casey first claimed to have dropped her daughter off with the nanny on the stairs of Sawgrass apartments on June 16 2008. She went to work that day and returned to pick up her child. When she got there they were not waiting for her as ususal so she called. The number had been disconnected. So she waited until she was sure they weren't coming and then panicked and started traveling from night spot to night spot hoping to find someone who had seen the nanny.

Now I understand the story has completely changed and been destroyed by LE. But it rings with some information maybe of the crime.

She dropped her daughter off on the stairs of the Sawgrass apartments. When coming up with a story she obviously pulled Sawgrass out of her ass because Rico and Amy had been living there for some time.

Why the stairs? The Stairs lead up to an empty apartment (one that happened to have been looked at by the real Zenida Fernandez Gonzalaz. Could Casey known this ladies name and was trying to provide information that would pan out?

It looks that way. But I want to step back a bit. You are planning a cover up you are looking for a person to pin this on and you choose a person just moving into the area? I am not so sure. I think this might have been a very crazy coincidence. I would be more likely Casey was telling her parents where the body could be found who would then give that information to their private investigator who would in turn give that to a psychic or some other party to explain why he was able to (move the body) locate it.

The interesting element her is when the body was finally discovered strangely behind to neighborhood houses own by Fernandez and Gonzalaz families. Right around the area that a psychich told DC to look. Psychic's are not real and hopefully enough jurrours know that to make that point a noose.

So that explains where the name of the nanny came from who before that had been called Zanny if mentioned at all. Zanny the Nanny being Xanax of course. Common practice among teen mothers is getting their children to sleep ASAP so they can go out.

So Zanny is a friend from a job that doesn't exist. But Casey didn't think that far ahead. She was so confident by cooperating and sticking to her story that eventually the cops would give up. So confident in fact she even tried to get past security at Universal to show the cops her office. And that is where her initial story ended, she realized she was caught and started to mold her story into reality.

So I would say the casue of death was likely Xanax overdose in the trunk of Casey's car near Sawgrass apartments (likely while she partied there). Once discovering the body she remembered the Nanny episode of One tree hill Fabricated the story and dumped the body where only she could find it. (Well lee could too)

When she was begging to get out of prison what she wanted to do was get a chance to go move the body. That chance did not come. Scrutiny was upon her and she could not get to the body. I think at that point she told Lee what had happened and Lee being the weirdly infatuated brother promised her as soon as he could he would move the body in my opinion to Jay Blanchard park area and away from the Anthony home.

Lee was in no better position to go traipsing into the woods to move the body. But Casey had already changed her story to the Nanny forcibly kidnapped Caley at Jay Blanchard park. And then their house of card came down. Lee failed to move the body and it was discovered.

Casey in punishment and hatred for the act that will ultimately kill her threw Lee, her father, and the person who found the body under the wheels of a freight train. That was a pissy display of spoiled bratt in my opinion.

All the fabricated people likely are real people somewhere Casey made these characters to allow a false reality to house her ridiculous story and it really didn't work. Fortunately for us her lawyer is more of a sinister and conniving lawyer rather than someone who truly wants to defend a client. Bozo will be her nails for her coffin. All the real lawyers that got on board got off pretty quick once they got the whole story. This is not a defensible case because the only story ever told and remaining to be told is forensically and circumstantially proven to be false.

Casey's trial will begin in 2011, and I will be very surprised if we get to see Casey take the stand. Cross examining her story would be a prosecutions dream!

So why did you need a nanny that day?

Madness: An unconfirmed report of a body being found near Granite Falls. Zahra?

2010-10-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

48 minutes ago user of the website topix.com using the avatar Granite Falls posted the following:

About an hour ago a friend called me and said her husband (who is assisting in the search) called and said they found her body wrapped up in a mattress.

I wish we could get real confirmation as I think we all need closure for this special little girl.

Has anyone ever seen such a glowing, beautiful smile as Zahra's?

To see original post please click here.

Now although this is a rumor it is quickly spreading across the armchair detective sites. If this turns out to be true and in fact Elisa Baker did lead them to the body, you can rest assured she has been offered a plea deal.

That country drive just got a whole lot more interesting.

Madness: A country drive with Elisa Baker

2010-10-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

This is pure conjecture but, Elisa is looking for a plea. But first she wants to lead the police on a wild goose chase to try to establish she only suspects Adam and knows nothing of the details of the crime.

To put doubt of her direct knowledge she is likely cooperating with police saying she only helped Adam cover up "what're it was he dun". There has been two "promising leads" that amounted for Jack shit. I got 20 on third time being a the charm.

Elisa is giving them possible locations to search. Not the knowledge she in fact possess which is going to be the dump site for the bed. She can't implicate herself beyond that. She will find the bed and MAYBE the leg. But you can be rest assured she will not give the location of the body (if one exists). In trial her defense can show she cooperated with police in the parts she new about. Covering up Adam's crime.

So knowing LE knows this and is playing along to get the goods, they got to enjoy a nice country drive to Caldwell County. A place known to Elisa as they lived there 3 years previously. A forest road towards Granite falls.The conversation in the truck was likely not related to the case but a lovely dialogue about the weather or favorite colors. It is common for a liar to use pieces of their past to build new truths.

So she gets to take a ride and then return to her sell another piece of the puzzle added. Once LE puts in the last few pieces they will expose these pieces were not from this puzzle at all.

I just can't help but feel like at this point the sheriff's office is along for the ride. I really hope I am right that they know this game and nail this woman to the wall.

Madness: Elisa Baker has a sugar daddy

2010-10-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

The case against Elisa Baker (and potentially Adam), is picking up steam. Today at a bail hearing County District Judge Robert Mullinax Jr raised her bail sitting flight risk as the reason.

As I turns out Elisa has at least one other man in her life. A man in England who send her money in the range of thousands of dollars according to her daughter. By the looks of it Elisa Baker is Gothic Fairy online and spends a substantial amount of time having sexual relations through second life or some other means.

Likely it will come out that she spends so much time playing second life that she neglected her children. This suspect this is common amongst a group of women we call gold diggers, as their looks wash away the resort to their manipulative and sexual gratifying and therefore justified behavior online.

What prompted the Judge to deem Elisa a flight risk was likely her own grown daughters testimony which included details of the man in England and a threat to leave NC that day prior to her arrest.

That alongside testimony by the prosecutor is her tendency to “miss” court appearances.

The judge raised the bail from 45K to 60K (still not enough to keep her there in my opinion). Leonard? Where’s your offer?

In the end the judge raised the bail, due to “disturbing and unsettling allegations” raised before him.

Zahra was last seen in public Sept. 25, investigators are asking anyone who may have information regarding this case to contact the Hickory Police Department at 828-328-5551.

Thought: Where did Adam Baker go on Saturday?

2010-10-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

By his own words Adam admitted to leaving the property at around 11am and returning at 1pm, prior to "discovering" and reporting Zahra missing. He claims he went to "check on a job". What job, where? No one knows.

Now knowing that Elisa was the author of the ransom note exposes that there was obviously a plan to make her disappearance look like a kidnapping, which directly implicates, at least Elisa at that point, in the actual disappearance.

But where did Adam go. Checking on a job on a Saturday is quite normal for a tree trimming service as a lot of the work these companies do happen outside of business hours so that is not to strange.

But couple that with the fact that his statement inconsistencies sort of implicate him as well in at least the cover up. In the 911 tapes he claims to have just got up. But we know he left the property so you would think the statement would be I just got back. But at that point he didn't want anyone to know he had left. Why?

Evidence disposal, or better yet planting.

The way this plan seems have been laid out is as a framing. Adam has a grudge. The obviously not anonymous kidnapper aka disgruntled employee, is to specific for there not to be a plan to frame someone. If you implicate someone at your place of work there had better be some evidence or eventually they will have you.

So did Adam Baker leave with evidence? Yes. Did he leave with the leg? I absolutely think so. In my opinion the leg has been deposited somewhere where it will implicate someone else. I wonder who was working at the job he went to check on. Those people better be ready to be witnesses in a pretty big case.

If Adam new nothing about the plan to get rid of Zahra why wouldn't he have checked on his daughter he loves so much when he discovers the plan to kidnap his bosses daughter. I know that even when children are kidnapped miles away it makes me pause and just need to see my daughter to make sure everything is ok.

I would also do this if there was a fire on my property. Just let her know if she was awake everything was fine. I mean this guy was having a pretty fucked up day and I would think you would want to hug you loved children prior to going to check on a job. But hey, everyone’s different.

I don't know what happened to Zahra or when it happened. But I do know that Adam and Elisa tried and failed to cover it up. So in my books they are as good as gone.

Madness: 911 calls by father Adam and step-mother Elisa released

2010-10-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Police have released the 911 tape of Adam Baker calling 911 to report Zahra missing. As well they released the morning 911 call by Zahra's step mother reporting the fire in the yard. Both calls are available in part here.

First lets have a look at Elisa's call

When the 911 operator asks what the emergency is Elisa responds "My husband works for a tree maintenance company and our backyard is on fire."

Order of statement here is very important. Elisa reports first that Adam, her husband, works at a tree maintenance company. This is unnecessary information and therefore important to the callers state of mind. Now remember this is reporting the fire that brought the firefighters who eventually discovered the supposed ransom note. At this time other then Elisa having direct knowledge of the ransom note (because she wrote it) would be unaware or it's content. She was already at that time setting up the story on record.

She later admitted to writing the note which instantly directly implicated her in either the disappearance itself or at least it's cover up. The confession as well as that first statement should be enough to prove that much.

Now as far as Adam's involvement at this time it can not be established other than Elisa stating he works for the tree company that she used as the fake ransom note. I would wounder how much Elisa knew about the boss prior to this event is it even possible for her to have details of the bosses children without Adam providing this information?

After the 911 operator asked her to repeat the statement she replies with my backyard is on fire. But then proceeds to again explain that they have mulch piles and wood piles as they sell firewood. Yet another piece of useless information you can tell that the 911 officer almost missed this as she was focus on the little girl rather than the workplace that doesn't matter.

There is no mention of the children in this call and it ends with the 911 dispatching the fire department.

The fire was extinguished and the Elisa and Adam apparently went about their day lounging in bed till just before 2pm.

The next call was by Adam Baker. When the operator picks up he starts the conversation with "Hey, how you doin?" now although most people ask a similar question when they call their buddies and it is interchangeable with hello. The casualness with the way he greets and asks for police I find quite eary. It almost seems he is making a token call and feels that way. Exasperation is present in his voice but not the type I would expect from a person reporting his daughter missing.

Adam then proceeds to tell the operator what he assumes happened. This to me is the first very obvious red flag. Adam seems to want to tell the whole story rather then simply state my daughter is missing and let the police deal with the details. He seems ready to start spinning a story right away. This coupled with the knowledge that the note was a fake, leads me to believe at this point he is doing damage control as the plan didn't really roll out as first thought. He seems to be very interested in the fact that his bosses daughter was the target and he guesses they took his daughter instead by mistake.

What is the motive there. What were they trying to accomplish by misdirecting the police to the bosses house.

All I can think of is to avoid further questions like do you know anyone who would want to harm you or your family. By placing the blame on his bosses behavior it may make for less probing. Could there have been prior threats made against the boss and this was a botched attempt to frame someone? Only time and apparently Elisa baker will tell. Since the initial report and the confession Elesa Baker has been locked up for offenses that initially seem unrelated. This is a common practice by law enforcement and until Elesa confessed was their only means of separating the two lead persons of interest. Once in jail it seems Elisa started to talk as the investigation started taking clearly defined twists. Placing them all over the area and performing searches, all of which turned up nothing. Guilty parties will often turn on their cohort in crime when faced with punishment so I believe at this time Elisa turned on her hubby and began implicating him and lead them on a wild goose chase to establish doubt in her involvement. But as is shown in the Casey Anthony goose chance the lies begin to mount. At this time as Elisa was fighting to keep her lies straight is likely when she confessed to writing the note. The police may have tried a tactic claiming that Adam was talking and if there is any thing she wanted to change in her statement. Her confessions puts her on the peripheral of the crime. It in no way implicates her for murder, only obstruction and potentially a cover up of a crime. By no means as bad an offense as the actual murder.

Adam remains out of jail at this time. There simply is no sign of Zahra.

Now I look back through this mess and I see one recurring element and that is Adam's workplace. I think the truth will be found there. There is a reason that it was important to establish this as a disgruntled employee. Evidence is hard to get around unless there is another possible reason said evidence exists. If there is evidence at the workplace it was put there by the disgruntled employee not Adam.

When we look at the fire and it's possibility of destroying evidence and we look at the response by Adam and Elesa we can see that the crime likely did not happen at the house. The body is around either the home or the workplace. But something is. Or someone is.

Adam is too willing to allow investigators in. He wanted them to see there was no sign of abuse. No sign of anything wrong. He wanted to make sure they thought the leg had been stolen as that would delay thoughts that the girl was in fact murdered as why would a murderer take a leg for someone they intended to kill. The leg will be found Zahra wont for a very long time.

I think the leg will be found around the disgruntled employee's stomping ground. The body (or whats left of it) sometime later buried around a work-site.

The problem is even once the remains are recovered I have a hard time believing evidence will be there unless it is planted in someway.

These people planned this cover-up for a long time and fortunately it went off wrong and the suspects are probably caught. Trial will be difficult on the prosecutors if they can't find some sort of forensic evidence beyond decomp-dogs hitting and a confession of a fake note. Elesa is a thief and a con artist so this is likely money driven and possibly an extortion attempt.

I hope for the sake of the rest of the family they can find it in their hearts to stop parading in front of the media taunting the social services with I told you so comments as if there was the type of thing going on in the home that is now being reported that puts them at the bottom of the barrel in my books. Equally if not more responsible for the death of this darling child as they supposedly have the wherewithal to know the situation was bad and they think calling social services is enough?

Madness: He seems concerned. I don't know how sincere his concern is

2010-10-14T10:03:00.001-07:00

Burke County Sheriff John McDevitt told ABC this morning "He seems concerned. I don't know how sincere his concern is” then when asked if he believes Adam’s version of the story he replied, “I don’t”

10 year old Zahra Baker was reported missing Saturday morning after a bizarre series of events. Involving a fire and ransom note. The case now being treated as a homicide instantly got headlines across the globe. Elisa and Adam Baker both spent time living in Australia, where Zahra’s biological mother also lives, gave it an international appeal.

After reporting Zahra missing and claiming she had last seen her at 2:30am in bed, Elisa not so goth now Baker, was arrested quickly on outstanding warrants for fraud. Police arresting her so quickly prevented her from being able to concoct her story and in questioning she broke down, claimed she was the person who wrote the ransom note and immediately lawyered up.

Since Adam is also not cooperating with the investigation they have now turned their attention to him. As with all high profile cases, several people have come forward to spill the beans about this family. First it was family now neighbors all claiming they witnessed abuse.

Also, as reported here, Douglas Proctor Elisa’s son made a public plea for privacy. Privacy is a right given to those who deserve it. Even if Zahra was found alive and had run away and her parents had nothing to do with it, her family still let her down in the vilest of ways, by allowing violence to continue unabated for years.

Last night in a vigil Zahra’s relative tried to wash their hands of this by telling the media they reported the abuse to Social Services three separate times. The Charlotte observer quotes Lindsey Parker They tried. They really tried,"
I am sorry I don’t buy it. If you don’t see an abused child for weeks and you “knew something like this would happen” What the fuck people. Wake up. It is each and every one of your responsibility to protect beings that require protection, even if it is from someone who claims to love them and you.

Madness: Zahra Baker case relevant location map

2010-10-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Pamela for creating this map I have added it to a Related links on the right.

Madness: Zahra Baker's step brother makes a statement to media and a little response from me

2010-10-13T16:19:00.000-07:00

Dear everyone,
I would first like to personally thank all those who have and are continuing to helping locate Zahra Baker and i ask that everyone continue to please support my family during this difficult time.

Due to the fact i am still gathering facts right now i am unable to make any comment on anything regarding Zahra Baker as well as my mother Elisa Baker. I would also like to ask that everyone please respect my families privacy during this difficult and stressful time.

Once all the facts have been gathered i will issue another statement but until then i will refrain from saying anything else. Once again please keep Zahra Baker in your prayers and thanks to everyone who is helping.

Sincerely,
Douglas Proctor

Douglas Proctor,

The request for privacy is a bit laughable. I don't think your family will feel warm and fuzzy for a long time.

Douglas, I feel your pain it must be pretty alarming for this to just happen to someone. My problem with this is this did not just "happen" this has been a long time coming and where were you when your step sister obviously needed your help.

I understand you're ashamed of what you have not done but an plea for privacy is ridiculous. Your family has had too much privacy and this horrendous crime was allowed to happen. I suggest you distance yourself from your mother as this is your opportunity to escape her finally. Take it. Do yourself a favor.

Sincerly
Dragko

Madness: Zahra Baker's life of madness

2010-10-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

The last 4 days have been insane in the breaking case against Elisa Baker aka E’leas. aka gothicfairy6668 @ myspace.

Zahra only reported missing on Saturday is already a full blown murder investigation. Although it seems the little girl has been missing for as much as a month. This crime was poorly covered up and due to that will be a fairly simple case in court. But as this story has only grown stranger with every hour I am sure there is much more to come.

Zahra was only 10, she was a beautiful little girl. An alleged early life battle with cancer left her a prosthetic leg from the knee down and damaged her hearing. She could hear some with help of hearing aids. But in every picture I see a smiling little kid not someone suffering.

But completely out of her control it seems she was forced to live in some pretty vile conditions. This little girl has survived cancer and overcome hearing problems only to have her family do something so horrendous to her it requires a fucking cadaver dog to smell a wood chip pile. Are you fucking kidding me? It is pretty obvious what has happened there and it is disgusting.

Apparently 50 police officers have been combing the another property on Harland road in Burke County. This property is used to store heavy equipment owned by a tree trimming business. Hey guess who worked there? Adam Beat ‘a’Baker. The have lots of equipment everything from a back hoe to a cadaver dog friendly wood chipper along with the pile it produced. I hope that poor dog really loved playtime for having to hit on that! Now before any defense quack call unreliable. It is not about reliability at this point it is building a drama. That drama that took place is like something you cannot imagine.

So whenever this terrible crime was committed. We know when the cover up was implemented. (real poorly at that).

Early Saturday morning 5:30 am there is a call to the fire department about a brush fire on the Baker property. Obviously the vehicle was intended to burn as well as it had been doused in gasoline. But that failed to ignite.

There was a ransom note (which Elisa claims she wrote) on the windshield of the vehicle also intended to be found by law enforcement and make a kidnapping story out of it. There were intentional mistakes made in the letter in a lame attempt to throw off the scent farther.

The fire was to destroy evidence that much is now clear.

Now I get to the very sad part.

Quotes from the family and friends/neighbors;
"[Elisa is a] pathological liar and a hypochondriac”. Said Elisa’s sister.

"She brought her daughter around in a wheelchair saying she had leukemia," said Elisa’s father. Apparently claiming she was dying but she never got sick.

"They kept Zahra locked in the bedroom all day, every day," said Baird

"I just think this was something for a long time that we knew was going to happen, everybody that was close to the family," Bentley a nephews wife "[she] was locked in her room, allowed five minutes out a day to eat, that was it, She was beat almost every time I was over there for just the smallest things. Elisa would get mad, she would take it out on Zahra, things the kid didn't deserve. She just had a horrible home life."

"There were warning signs along the way, but you never want to think the worst," said former neighbor Kayla Rotenberry.

As well A neighbor (Bost) stated Baker's lived here, they never mentioned a daughter. "I didn't even know that she existed. I mean I've never seen her and I never heard him mention her or anything like that,” Bost said.

So it seems this madness was a long time coming but I find it very sad that the entire family and people around them knew of the abuse and did nothing for the poor girl. At least now with the lights shut of no one can hurt her again.

These terrible parents, who have done a terrible thing, did not just become terrible. They have long histories of terribleness. But this atrocious crime is something that will go down in history as another failed life brought on by a society that puts themselves before others and thinks only of the moment and wont wake up and realize it has made a monster until it is too late.

This poor little girl should have made a difference in life. Hopefully she can make a difference in death instead.

Madness: Here comes another high profile case

2010-10-06T14:59:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itNpfM2OoG8&feature=player_embedded

There is something amiss here, smells of madness.

This is not over.

Thought: Amercian atheists are aware of religion they just don't buy it

2010-09-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Survey: Americans don't know much about religion

Atheists and agnostics scored highest, with an average of 21 correct answers, while Jews and Mormons followed with about 20 accurate responses. Protestants overall averaged 16 correct answers, while Catholics followed with a score of about 15.

See I told you we knew what we were talking about. Go get some education. There is a reason why most we call genius we also call atheist.

Madness: Artist depiction of torture that is going on as you sit and stare

2010-09-27T14:23:00.001-07:00

The picture says it all.

Follow up of pure madness: Brandon Rhode, Ga. Death Row Inmate, Denied Delay in Execution Despite Suicide Try

Madness: Brandon Rhode, Ga. Death Row Inmate, Denied Delay in Execution Despite Suicide Try

2010-09-24T12:57:00.001-07:00

ATLANTA (CBS/AP) A federal judge has refused to block tonight's scheduled execution of a Georgia death row inmate who attempted to commit suicide on Tuesday, the day he was originally to be put to death.
According to court filings, 31-year-old Brandon Joseph Rhode used a razor to slash his elbows and his neck, which caused him to go into traumatic shock. Authorities say Rhodes may have also suffered brain damage as a result of immense blood loss. -- Crimesider

Wow if this guy doesn't get a stay I will really question some other stay-age. I mean the guy is clearly going through sustained and grievous torture.

Rhode was stabilized after his attempt and he's since been put in a restraining chair to prevent him from pulling out the sutures on his neck or doing any other harm to himself, a state attorney said. -- Crimesider

Weather this man deserves death is not my issue it is preventing this man from executing his own 1st right as a human being.

Who cares how a monster is destroyed, least by his own hands the most cruel of all thy's executioners. - me just now

To restrain a man who almost died (and may have suffered brain damage mind you) to keep him alive to kill him is torture. For what. The families? The courts? Who benefits from this treatment of a being.

Let this man have his dignity and forget the stupid power struggle.

Thought: What has higher consciousness really gotten us

2010-09-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

Thinking strictly biologically higher consciousness seems to ensure our continued survival. It may have (barring unforeseen circumstance) gotten us past the “civilization” era and we may now be truly a system. We will likely be able to overcome most of what earth can throw at us and our only major threats to our kind come to us from space.
But if we look back through our own heritage although we can now live almost the extent of our biological maximum through the aid of technology no matter what card we are dealt.
For example: If a babies natural process of closing the hearts ventricles aren't happening correctly this can be detected during pregnancy.
The baby can be born with that defect which also signals there might be more defects. So for conversation sake let’s say the baby is born with a hole in it’s hear and a cleft pallet. As well as s twist in the spine. The babies heart is repaired in a fairly common surgery. And the cleft pallet is repaired over the next 10 years give or take. (I think you need to be into adolescence before they can begin bone grafts but don’t quote me on that). The spine thing is fixed more through physiotherapy rather than surgery so over the course of ten to 15 years the baby that likely would have died at birth or not long after would be able to grow up to be a normal adult human in almost every way. Except one really important way. Genetically.
Now I don’t want to sound like Hitler with cleansing hub bub (I know hub bub is not the right word maybe rhetoric is better) but it seems the human races goals to keep people alive might have at least SOME detrimental effects.
I am not trying to offend all those I would have died as a baby whiners, because I am all for modern medicine, and I think it is incredible that we can save people without skulls and shit like that. But if we look at it realistically it is likely not good for our race as a whole.
Now to save myself from being branded a bigot I will say however gay marriage (not that there is anything wrong with it) is wonderful, interracial coupling is amazing (not that I have tried it). And I really like people who get around even though the shouldn’t. Hey I even like homeless people. They are often quite funny.
So when we fly to the next earth we just need to keep in mind we are not as tuff as we used to be. We should have gone in the 50’s

Madness: Acid Attack Hoax: "Victim" Bethany Storro Could be Charged

2010-09-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

VANCOUVER, Wash. (CBS/AP) Bethany Storro, the Washington state woman who claimed a random assailant threw acid on her face, could be charged with filing a false police report after she admitted that the "attack" was self-inflicted. - Naimah Jabali-Nash Crimesider blog writer Full article

Interesting development. Who would have saw that coming. Whatever disturbed this girl enough to feel the need to throw acid in her face as a means of getting attention or crying for help must be pretty bad.

I still see this poor girl as a victim even if it was a self inflicted. Acid burns are some of the most painful injuries one can sustain. Blindness (thank goodness she wore protective eye wear), sever scaring, and phantom pain is only the beginning of what this girl may have to go through.

Mental health experts need to look deep at what would invoke such a terrible response.
Look in her past. Look in her present. She has something very dark that she fears.

If this is a only money of "fame" grab I would be surprised. But if I am wrong I wish I could tell this girl there was easier ways.

Peace inside Bathany take this opportunity to turn everything around.

Review: First reach into the fire

2010-09-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

After a late night and a heroic fight Milk and I rolled through the first few missions of Halo Reach.

Impressions? One of the best and most polished release I have seen in a long time. Game play is astounding and the scale of the fights have been turned up to 11. We were playing on heroic and I haven't had a chance to play it on any other setting, but I can say for the fan of the Halo series the skill involved with completing missions on heroic won't let you down. The MO of this game seams to be more not better.

They through waves of enemies at you like meat shields and the AI of the baddies has improved immensly. Dodging is something that Halo never did well in my opinion. Now the enemies are diving for cover, strafing , and coordination (flanking).

Overall the game is worth every penny and I can see that there will be more re playability beyond death matches. The ability to make a custom firefight will allow co-opers like myself keep things fresh. That's all I got for now.

Madness: Piggy

2010-09-14T09:33:00.001-07:00

I am reading On the Farm: Robert William Pickton and the Tragic Story of Vancouver's Missing Women. As an avid reader of all things true crime (you really can't be a fan can't you?) I follow the forensics side versus the emotional side. I understand many people lost their lives and I feel for them their families. Most of these women have tragic stories from the beginning. The ended up in hell. Left alone either by choice or because they were disowned by those around them. They landed in a spot that is a blight on our city. But the downtown east-side is also a refuge a safe place. A place for many people to call home even when they don't have one.

This area although depicted on television as a vile and disturbing place, is really a vibrant community, rife with as many walks of life you can muster. People really do watch out for each other. The problem with all these cases is not the DTES. it is the begining to the story in many cases yes. But the end was far away from the safety of the DTES.

PoCo on the other hand is a quaint place. With roads that remain without curds and kids still playing in the streets. There are parks and hiking trails and a working class population.

These crimes could not have happened the way they have in many other area's. When a killer stalks his prey normally they have to attack quickly. Willy and his crew had days, weeks, months to pounce.

These girls normally trusted Willy up until the point the were strung up and bled dry. They all described him the same (the survivors of course), stinky and quiet, but a nice enough guy, who would help others.

This was his MO.

Like any true psychopath he was able to compartmentalize his life enough to kill a woman and feed her to his pigs but then help others in kind and the most generous ways.

My wife was called for the pickton case to stand as a jury member. At the time the sequesternation would have not been possible as she was a single mom and could not yet depend on me like she can now. It is best she did not get chossen in the end as with her empathic tendancies (no not like Deaana Troy) she would not have been able to handle parts of the testimony in my humble opinion.

A killer who finds work and money in his "hobby" is a killer who begins to blend the two worlds and that ultimately led to his demise.

His attempts / successes in recruiting drug addicts to help in disposal and possibly murder was his undoing.

By his words "49" He wishes he got one more for that even 50.

You know, there's still time willy. Why not take your own. Hang your self in your cell and slit your throat. You will bleed out fast and as you had to tell your self about your victims to learn not to feel guilty.

You deserve it.

PIGGY - Nine inch nails
hey pig
yeah you
hey pig piggy pig pig pig
all of my fears came true
black and blue and broken bones
you left me here I'm all alone
my little piggy needed something new

nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I just don't care

hey pig
nothing's turning out the way I planned
hey pig
there's a lot of things
I hoped you could help me understand
what am I supposed to do?
I lost my shit because of you

nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care
nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
cause I just don't care

Madness: Ecstasy Triumphs over Agony: MDMA Helps with Recovery from Trauma

2010-09-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Scientific American: Ecstasy Triumphs over Agony: MDMA Helps with Recovery from Trauma

Well there is no question taking 125 milligrams followed by a "booster" of 75 mg you would feel pretty rad and the world of pain your in would just seem like an after thought. I would be interested how the overcome the threat of throwing them into a low post treatment.

PSTD sufferers often treat them selves in this way through use of drugs and alcohol. You might run the risk of creating an addict as the imprint is pretty quick when drugs = relief.

I support this research but I just hope they are looking at this through clear glasses rather than the rosy variety.

Smoldering love

2010-08-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

10 years ago I was in a toxic relationship both parties had all but given up on themselves and each other. It COULD have worked out if we had reacted when we saw it coming.

Now I sit in a position 10 year later. Not NEAR the same position but the same sort of reaction is required.

I am a happy person. I have almost everything I want. There is only one thing I want more than anything at all....

Contentment.

I want to feel that although there are wrongs in our world and people make mistakes that there is an ability to feel content. I am content. But I don't feel content. Content is a two way street. I want everyone to be happy with what we have rather than look to what may be missing from time to time.

I try very hard each day to get to the next with a smile on my face. Sometimes I make it other times I don't but I really want to make it more than I do.

So here is my position I sit here and write what I am thinking, knowing others will read it and may take offense to it. But it is meant in the most passive and loving way.

Tbiz

"The media makes me sick."

2010-08-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

I was watching my usual uptake on the true crime and investigative blogs and happened upon a video of Mr. Roy Kronk leaving his deposition. I was watching the video and as I always do really judging each in every one of those snide little goofballs with microphones all talking over each other and stumbling around like a bunch of buffoons.

But then I realized. My prespective is not from behind these douche bags. I am one of them. I am a lurker. The viewpoint I have is directly connected to one of those hands. Through the interviewer cameraman relationship. So I can not discredit what the interview is asking at all if I am listening to his/her feed. I have selectedd HER team? Know your mic handler. Know there questions. Support their cause. Don't just watch some douches feed. You just add to the circus.

Getting things done: 4 months later

2010-07-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

In April I made a post Feeling more in control at the time I was about half done the book but noticing the effects already. Four months have gone by and beyond reading the book I am now a GTDConnect Member, as well I have researched out other sources of tools and productivity pr0n.

GTD saved my career, literally.

Let me explain. I work for a largish organization working in communications and I hold a respectable salary, great benefits, and a good environment. But around October last year things in my life started to really rock. I had recently quick smoking using Wellbutrin another branding of Bupropion, commonly knowen as Zyban. It worked I was free of cigarettes. But when I came off Wellbutrin, as can happen when suddenly stopping while taking anti depressants, I had a total metal breakdown. Now I WAS depressed, and fighting cigarette addiction, as well as fighting other battles as a normal person does. I started to lose my safe zone and I started to retreat inside.

Then as it always does the instability in my head was being reflected quite clearly in first my concentration, then my motivation and soon I found myself in one of those ruts in your career where you begin to "go through the paces" but for what end. Then I simple stopped going through the paces at all.

It took a meeting with my boss to wake me up that one, I was failing in at LEAST 1 of my areas of responsibility, two, I had lost sight of purpose, and three, I was going to lose, leave, or otherwise screw up my career if I did not get something moving. I went to the doctor and was treated for the imbalance but my work was still failing. Finally I found GTD. I found it through a to-do tool I used. Toodledoo.

I ordered the book it was delivered to my Kindle in 60 seconds and it only took me two chapters to realize this was going to be my ticket.

Four months? 1-2-3-4 measly months of focus has changed a number of my behaviors to the point of habit forming.

I now never rely on my memory I have proven that I cannot remember a single thing I am supposed to. I can remember EVERYTHING I want to... but not what I have to.
I use to-do lists religiously. Not all weird religiously but as far as my work goes now I know it won’t get done if I don't capture it, process it, and then do it.
I perform a weekly review even more than once a week as I find that is my most productive time.
I have complete control over my procrastination. It is not that I don't procrastinate I know exactly what I am leaving and why. In essence I look at it and know. I should do that today.... but I won’t. If you have that you are still in control and then if something is missed at the very least it was a conscious decision and my mind no longer falls into excuse mode. I can simply say I have not yet gotten to that.

It may all seem common sense to some. But it most definitely was not for me. If it had been I would have always been organized. It really is simple.

Read the book if you feel out of control in life. This is more than a business/productivity book. It really will change everything.

AH.... duh.

2010-07-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

I would like to grow a vegetable

2010-06-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

But I want my vegetable to be made of meat. Not just any meat. Human meat. Wait Morals??

What if that meat was made of me?

Can I grow a "dead" me?

Now the technological feasibility aside, if one could produce a viable biologically living body with no brain save basic life and function. Based on the DNA sequence that makes them... well them. Essentially a clone with no cognitive function whatsoever and keep it alive at the cost of feeding and waste removal, and who's ultimate purpose is to provide a controlled health organ replacement set along with, skin, blood, and other 'parts' now imagine you could have many growing at once, at different stages in life. As your bodies are aging you can undergo elective and proactive replacement with the unused parts.

You're buying immortality.

Self-mis-management

2010-06-28T08:40:00.001-07:00

Day to day life is a bumpy ride for the best of us. You have good days and you have days where shitting your pants would make you feel better. Sometimes you look at yourself and realize you are standing in a field of scorpions and you’re looking up at a couple clouds shaped like titties and you have to yell at yourself to “Get it together! We are in a whole lot of trouble here!” But then you look down at the field of scorpions and go “Oh shit” and then although you were perfectly safe a second ago and looking at titties now you’re in extreme danger and you start to react. First you scream… that puts all those ugly little fuckers on edge…. Then as they all look in your general direction you step backwards squarely on the claw of a big fucker who lets you know by sticking you with his little member of pain. You react to that, and you step on another which shoves it’s stinger right under your big toenail…. Did I mention you were naked? You start to fall stumbling toward a pile of twisted steel. You eyes can’t close even though there is all kinds of shit poking you in the eyes as you fall. All your friends and family are standing on the edges of the field and telling you to come to them but then talking about you behind your back whenever you turn to then the pretend to care…. You spin in place looking for safety. Then you see a little girl… You see the sunshine breaking through the clouds. She is sitting in the same field as you unaware that the scorpions are really dangerous at all. She is not asking anything of you she is ok with the scorpions. She loves you. And you can walk over and sit beside her… She shows you a flower she picked. It looks like a bleeding heart. But that bleeding heart is healed. The scorpions are still all around. There is calm there is peace. There is love. Then everything is fine again the scorpions return to their cave for a rest they have many more days to ruin.

The beauty in the end

2010-06-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

The vast majority of people fear death. Few people find comfort when faced with their own mentality. They draw their comfort from dreams. From the though of the afterlife. That death is not forever. People don`t handle forever very well.

I can not be sure of what will happen after my heart stops, but because of my interest in all thing morbid, I have a pretty clear understanding of the `process`of dieing. The steps everyone goes through unless their are extreme mitigating factors. (i.e. vaporization, complete instant crushing...) I won`t get into them in great detail for brevity but I will say if there is an afterlife it definitely comes after brain death, any aparation you see between your heart stopping and brain death (as much as 7 -15min) are just that, aparations.

Consider this, someone who "comes back from the dead" rarely talks about being outside their bodies above themselves in the morgue or even the emergency room with the doctor milling about. They come back while the doctors are still trying to save their life. BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL ALIVE!

So the point? I can't understand why some people would CHOOSE to believe in an afterlife. Afterlife is creepy. If dead people know we love them hear us talking to them and all that hogwash... that's creepy. I love my granddad (he passed away this year) but I don't want him milling about. And I certainly don't want to spend my aged years hoping to get back together with my wife of 50 years. (assuming she dies first ((She is way older ;p )))

So ok say there is an afterlife and I pop out of hear and pop up there. I think I am going to be really really pissed off. Not JUST because I was wrong... but because you were right.

Doing more reflection based on my direction I hope I get an erection.

2010-05-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

Madness

I am finally getting things done

So this whole life change has had a profound effect on my state of mind. During the day while at work I feel completely in control. Master of my domain. I know where everything is. I know every question I need an answer to. I know at the drop of a question I can answer confidently. My desk is neat and organized and my email is up to date.

I feel great!

Well almost great.

There is one more step. I have been resisting it for sometime. The full adoption of my work methodology at my home level. The logical and precise nature of my work, is not reflected well when I am at home. I loose my clarity. I loose my focus. I start to react. I start to ignore.

Thought

Does one persons view of another often reflect more of themselves than they realize? I think so. We experience other peoples REACTIONS to us. We are in complete control of our own self so therefore you also control the self the other is reacting to and therefore need not worry ones self with what their reaction is but what you did to provoke it.

I didn't get a boner btw.

Living on the edge

2010-05-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

I am often on the edge. They also call it the ledge. I had a member of my surrogate family MLK come over for a visit. You see though this visit was different. MLK lives with his Dr Wife, in BangleDOUCHE. They live in a university so they can claim 2.5rd world. But shit they live where bugs still eat people.

Gad damn.

Anyway, they come into my home and stir shit up. In a totally good way but I was distracted and fell of the boat. Good thing most of my shit floats all that really sank was my spirit. A quick morning of realignment shows I didn't stray to far off the path to success. Thank dog.

So onwards. Weekly review will really clear my thoughts today. May need to report more then.

To today!

How much money is enough? More.

2010-05-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

I am in a pretty good place emotionally these days. I find myself almost completely stable with my highs and lows much less extreme. However as with anybody who basically avoids real life for 15 years I have incurred some pretty nasty unsecured debt.

Time to get to work on it. So I sit in front of my terminal thinking about budget shit. Budgeting sucks because it really exposes how irresponsible I tend to be. I will go for months barely buying a thing. The I go blow my load in a bad way. I am impulsive, compulsive and money and I are repulsive. So you mix that up and you get on broke punk.

So what can I do? I am trying out some software to help track. Looking for help from the bank of course they can't help me without me helping myself. Isn't that always the way. Why can other people fix my problems. For years my mom did it. Why the fuck do I have to start now!

Maybe I should call my mom.

Holy living dead dude the week of the century.

2010-04-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

It is 9 pm on Friday night. Task lists checked some nagging stuff taken care of. Tomorrow tentatively planned. Nothing hard and fast tomorrow will bring new things you see. Tea at my side I drift inside, to a world full of worries and heartache and hate and I look back to where I sit right now. So safe , so sound. The quiet hum of our quiet, the quiet we call quiet but is really full of life.

I am at peace. I have found calm.

I am easily distracted

2010-04-27T20:54:00.000-07:00

Where was I? Oh yeah I am easily distracted. It's not shiny things really. It is just things. everything distracts me. But the most distressing "thing" to me is nothing. Empty space is distracting. Soundless moments, somewhat off putting. Like when a hum finally goes away.

That all being said I am also easily frustrated.

This is really bad since I am often frustrated, by, in-fact, being distracted. Which in turn causes another distraction... and you get the picture.

Distractions are a loss of control. They are minor losses but your mind perceives them as a chaotic moment... especially if your brain was on a roll. It is somewhat akin to a train wreck coming out of that.

Well this simple trick has helped me more than I can even understand.

I simply write on the top of a note page

DISTRACTIONS

Then I put 5 check boxes, leaving space for later.

As my day goes on. I can as I get distracted check a box and here is the magic. Write a little anecdote about the moment. Soon I found myself resisting distractions simply because the really sneaky ones are the most fun.

For instance, had this one today.

Had conversation with colleague proclaiming I wasn't into all that hippy hogwash.

Made me laugh... I guess you had to be there.

You get the point. All of a sudden I am in control of OTHER peoples distractions. And that is self mentalististic if you ask me.

Feeling more in control

2010-04-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am on my third week of implementing the GTD mindset. I am 48% done the book (thanks kindle) it is taking a lot longer than I thought to get through the book as I am taking notes and implementing the aspects covered on the fly. The last two days have seen me working through my various "reference" files. I have gone from having literally thousands of useless pieces of paper to under 100 useful files. They are alphabetized and labeled and ready to be used properly. What I am slightly surprised with is how good it felt to get rid of paper that had very little meaning or value to me. I would have thought I never thought about the shit but I guess I did as I am finding already I am more relaxed as I know where things go.

So onwards, this is really changing my life for the better.

Doctor's are a mans only true comfidant

2010-04-15T17:12:00.001-07:00

When you visit your doctor in a honest and open fashion you end up building a trusting relationship that doesn't pass judgement nor make you feel worse about yourself that is rare in this world very few people try to look through the layers that make everyone human to really see the person hiding under there. For someone who is obese a doctor sees a person wrapped in an unhealthy mask. For someone struggling with mental illness he puts your being back together in his/her mind to see the benchmark a person needs to maintain. My doctor is very special a genius and someone who has always motivated me to become what I can be not what a thought I was. Peace be with everyone who feels alone go find a great doctor and take on lifes challenges with a partner. Oh and try to make it fun too.

Double double

2010-04-14T19:03:00.001-07:00

If there is something better to make you so full you throat sphinkter unable to close I don't know about it. Burger fries ceased salad three onion rings colslaw and three pints of coke. I can't wait to crash from this high!!!

Location:NO. 3 Rd,Richmond,Canada

Sea birds, sunrise and magic fingers

2010-04-13T12:09:00.001-07:00

Waking up in my bed is a pretty sweet place to regain conciousness. First I am greeted by gulls singing thier songs of morning madness most people would likely find there braying as annoying, I find it grounding and real. The sunrise is slow and natural and proceeds to break my slumber. But the best part? Waking up and realizing I have achieved a life goal. To be part of a loving family.

Getting things done

2010-04-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

Finally picked up Getting things done by David Allen on my Kindle. I plan to read it this Weekend I figure it looks like a 5 hour read. I will keep you posted as to what I think. People I know have raved about it. And it is a major topic on the toodledo forums.

If you are interested in reading about it there is a slim wiki article here.

"Cult for the information age!!" Hells yeah!

Working isn't

2010-04-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

Thought: Working isn't.

If you can understand that sentence you have just won a lemon meringue pie.

It is time to pick my sorry ass up and get back at it. Sitting there staring into space hasn't ever gotten me anywhere.

My reflection is my image and my image is my being my being is a reflection of my image.

Pushing you away

2010-04-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

Madness: People keep asking me "what's wrong" or "are you ok?" like they care or something. It is funny the same people who would complain that I am no fun now complained I was too much before. Well get over the fun Trevor died with Ryan Brady. I am this Trevor pissed of, anxious, sad, and lonely.

Madness: I am so finished with people outside of my immediate circle. And even some of the I am through with. All anybody ever wanted from me is be Ryan I am no longer Ryan he is dead. Never to come back. Take it from me he is a ego-centric prick anyway. If you don't like the real me again you too can fuck off.

Thought: My mom always told me to just be myself. For some reason when ever I tried I failed miserably. I was ridiculed and called a fag when I was being myself because I cry, I love, and I care. So I built this bad ass character (well as bad ass as a guy like me could emulate) telling everyone I could of all my bad behaviour well now I am defined as such. But i was never their Ryan had a strong hold for most of my high school years and now he is starving to death or may already be dead I really can't be sure not until I am dead. I am his host if the host dies the paracite dies with it.

So get on with it.

Three days no coffee

2010-04-07T15:36:00.001-07:00

So three days into caffiene withdrawl my headache is finally subsiding. My digestion is almost back to normal and my appetite is returning. To top it off I am no longer peaking out come 2 pm. My sleep is still pretty shakey but dealing with the other issue will likely help that along.

All in all I feel like the lack of caffiene is the one I feel physiclly the most the rest of my cuts are purely in my head. I want to smoke up just to be able to sit and think. I want to drink to unwind after a long day. I am trying to find other sources of calm but unfortunately have been only partly successful.

I definatly don't want to be this guy. But BC med is making me. So here is where I am facing my vices. Take it from me it is harder than you think.

Location:Hazelbridge Way,Richmond,Canada

But does it run crisis

2010-04-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

Living as a self aware dual diagnosis bi polar has it's ups and downs, literally. Last night way down. I almost failed in my goal. My lovely wife supported me and although she has all along, last night was different. For the first time in a
long time I did not feel alone. I felt listened to. I feel empowered. I still felt disappointed with myself but I was able to experience the symptoms of my issues full on. I was not worring about loosing my family and could focus on not loosing sight of my goal.

Thank you skerry for seeing what was really happining and putting your emotions to the side for the time being. I will make it up to you I promise.

I will put yesterday behind me now and let today come through for me.

Setting goals

2010-03-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

The result is what matters, not how it's achieved (unless, of course, the
process of achieving is itself a series of results).

- Iain M. Banks
Player of Games

I have never been one to be organized. I have forgotten things my whole life. If I didn't forget I often put off. And subsequently I sit at 31 years old with not a lot accomplished. I have a wonderful life don’t get me wrong. But I have accomplished almost nothing measurable as far as goals. It is not a lack of desire but a lack of goals. I have said “Someday I will X” but it never really meant anything. One of the only things I every promised myself was to be a dad. I have achieved that but not by setting a goal. It literally fell into my lap.

So why don’t I have goals. I have a wild imagination, you would think I would have long list of goals. But I had none. You see I used the word had. I learned something from a very wise man. “Goals are never unreasonable”. When you realize this, and you also realize you thought your goals where unreasonable because ‘nothing that good will ever happen to me’. It has become clear nothing ever “happens” to you. You have to make things happen to you.

Well I have set a goal. It is a big one. It is huge. But it is being slowly broken into smaller goals and further still into individual tasks. You need ten years to become a master at anything if you put in the effort. And that will be my final test. Can I put in the effort? If I can I will have achieved a life goal. If I can’t at least I will have achieved something and that is a better personal understanding.

The stairs

2010-03-25T10:30:00.001-07:00

Marshal stepped into the light, after a darkened accent, that was flickering from the dusty light bulb protruding from the wall with a twisted cage it's only shade. The door at the top of the stairs was closed but not latched Marshal used his left elbow to open the door and peered inside.

The young detectives and deputies were gathering as they often did just to see marshal work. They always stood a long way back as they knew if anyone was asked to do something it would be something terrible.

Violent Crimes, deals with some messed up shit. But Marshal, he dealt with the worst. In fact he now worked on a single case. This case has been open for 82 years and has spanned three continents. And he normally worked alone. If he hadn't kicked us out to make a three mile perimeter you know this would be a lot of work. Sicking work.

Derek Jones, detective. I have been assigned to take over from Marshal. He is in an advanced state of cancer and has 3 months to a year to live. No one else has touched this case in 33 years. No one else could, no one else could handle it.

Einstein confirmed again!

2010-03-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

Astronomers confirm Einstein's theory of relativity and accelerating cosmic expansion

Thought: Cosmic expansion. One could assume we are in a relatively advanced stage of cosmic expansion. Could it be we really are some of the last remaining beings struggling to survive with almost insurmountable odds. We have no Galaxy to colonize it has simply become too big.

Madness: Odds are it will not get any easier for life.

"The data from our study are consistent with these predictions and show no deviation from Einstein's theories," says Van Waerbeke.

Einstein's theories really have stood up even in the most astounding ways ways that were impossible to predict even when he was developing them. These "truths" should be our religion. Should be fact. I understand scientific method. But there comes a point were you can no longer question certainty.

Way to go Ludovic Van Waerbeke of UBC. I wont hold the fact that your name sounds a bit like a vampire or evil lord of a crystal shard. I salute you in your glorious achievement!

SCIENCE!!

Discovery.

2009-12-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

The darkened hallway flickered with burnt light from decaying overhead lighting. The tile floor had long since began to crumble away with an unseen force. On either side of the passageway were large steel doors. The doors remained almost untouched which only added to the decay in its stark contrast.

In the corner of a small alcove was an overturned chair. Beside it a large pool of brown viscus fluid. The fluid obviously dripped from above and a simple look could see it's source. A long crack in the ceiling that slowly gushed the fluid. The only sign of the horror that took place on the second floor.

Fredrik Marshal wasn't ready for another one.

"Nobody's been through here."

"No sir not..."

"That wasn't a question." Marshal not looking at the Sergent that had spoken.

Marshal strode away looking at a 4 by 6 photo as he did so and he disappeared up an flight of emergency stairs.

'I had a vision of where her body is'

2009-09-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

The use of psychics in investigations is more and more getting a spotlight in the news, sensationalized by the media when there is even a close hit. This is a common trend in the world of paranormal to only report the hits. It doesn't really make a good story to say 'A psychic provided a tip and it wasn't right'. So these stories get published and people believe psychics have the ability to find bodies.

I can completely understand a parent who has lost their child using any possible means to find their loved one regardless of the truth behind the method. I would likely follow up on a tip from a psychic simply because the ramifications are to great if I didn’t and it was correct. But for an investigator to actually employ a psychic in a murder case is a scary subject. No psychic has ever stood up to a legit unbiased study (to the best of my knowledge and if someone can point me to someone who has ever done so please share it with me) and therefore should not be used in the pursuit of a truth in a murder/crime.

That being said anyone can make an educated guess as to the location of a body if they know enough about the case. I give the example of the Calyee Anthony murder case. Dominic Casey (a private investigator hired by the Anthony to help look for Caylee) alleges that a psychic contacted him and told him she had had a vision, and that Caylee’s body would be found in a wooded area not far from the Anthony’s home. And so she was. Was this person truly in touch with the spirit world, or possibly making an educated guess? I suggest the later. I will explain.

Here is a Google map view of the location Caylee Anthony’s remains were found and also the location Dominic Casey was directed to by the psychic.

How on earth could she have picked the correct location?

If we zoom out a bit you see that the Anthony’s house is right down the street (pin A). Knowing a little about the case and the suspect, Casey Anthony, anyone could make a pretty good guess of that location. Casey is not a hardened criminal. Assuming she did murder her daughter for whatever reason. She would likely be extremely impulsive while disposing of the body. The closest place she had access to would be very likely. The remains were even on the right side of the road pointing to a car traveling east.

Anyone could have made that guess. I also have a feeling this so called “psychic” just might be proven to be none other than someone with close intimate knowledge of the location. Suspect?

Now the scary thing is that if it is a lie and the psychic story is not even real what would possess a presumably professional investigator to use that as their reason for checking that part of the woods. So that leads me to think HE thinks it was a psychic. He claims not to believe in them but if you’re going to use words like “freaked me out” you are a believer. My first thought, wouldn’t be “Freaky! How did she know?” Mine would be “let’s bring her in for questioning”.

Dominic in his deposition even stated there were other psychic tips and he never followed up on them. Because the guesses where not plausible (i.e. stuffed in the gas tank of the car). Every large case would have a number of self proclaimed psychics calling and hoping for the publicized hit. If you were the one who found “that missing person” you turn from a $50 per hour unqualified councilor into a $3000 an hour TV dead guy whisperer. It is ludicrous. When this case broke and Casey was charged and did herself in with all her lies, I guarantee there were several people out there thinking the same thing the psychic “saw” but don’t claim a vision. Any thought in your head could appear like a vision if you are deluded into thinking you have some super power. I know I used to believe I was a super hero. Then I woke up and saw myself for what I was. Maybe a bit intuitive, but not psychic.

I don’t doubt there are millions of people who would disagree with me as their psychic is right to often to not be psychic. But I can counter that with a prediction of my own. That their psychic when put in front a controlled test would not be right any more than common probability dictates.

Let the Dead walk - You should just run

2009-02-26T11:47:00.000-08:00

I have reinvented "Let the dead Walk". But you likely have no idea what that is, it is a project I have false started on no less that 3 times.

The intent for the blog is to be what I refer to as an ARlog (Alternate Reality Blog). A fictional account of someones life as through their eyes.

When I started this project I started with to many rules.

The character was me, he started in my house. He only had access to what I could get and then his life would run in parralel to my own but with the added bonus of Zombies.

It didn't work. It was impossible to attempt to tell an engaging story with all the rules.

So I have removed all the rules. What "let the dead walk" will be is simply the episodic story of a fictional character, Ryan Brady, running in real time. Time lines split a while ago, and his world is collapsing around him.

I invite anyone and everyone to intereact with Ryan, just be in his world when you do it. He knows there are others out there. He is very alone at the moment.

Groundhog day? Bah Humbug

2009-02-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

The fat old marmot got pulled from is hidey hole and perched upon a podium yet again. And with this tradition we are told 6 more weeks of winter.

I hate to be a grump but is this really necessary? I mean I understand the need for culture and tradition and as we all know this is a huge part of American and Canadian culture. Really?? Is it really?

To be honest I have never really understood the importance of such a tradition. Important enough to have a feature film titled after it. So because I hate to hate without knowing what to hate, I did a little reading and I stumbled upon this (source Wikipedia)

Famous predictions and groundhogs
Groundhog Day proponents state that
the rodents' forecasts are accurate 75% to 90%. A Canadian study for 13 cities
in the past 30 to 40 years puts success rate level at 37%. Also, the National
Climatic Data Center reportedly has stated that the overall predictions
accuracy rate is around 39%.

Thirty Eight percent? Now I know in the 21 century we take this kind of thing with a grain of salt. But come on, this guy is no weatherman; even they can do better than that. Let the poor beast do what he wants to and that is sleep, eat and shit. Realistically, the times he predicted an early spring he likely only stayed out to take aforementioned shit and then headed back into the hole.

I understand getting out to have a good time, have a little ceremony, and get drunk before noon. But the ground hog doesn’t want to do that. As I said Eat, sleep , and shit. I do not see anything about wearing a stupid hat and marching around being douche bags.

I understand years and years ago there was a need to figure out the length of the winter it meant survival, but I am sure even they just looked outside on or around now and saw if they saw their own shadow.

Then they went and ate a groundhog.

Beam me off, Scotty.

2009-01-27T14:47:00.000-08:00

A pretty major milestone in the quest for in the field of teleportation has been achieved.

Detailed here, in Scientific American, if you are interested in reading the whole article. Basically what took place (or at least was reported to have taken place) is as follows:

A group of researchers, however, report today in Science that they've made headway in quantum teleportation, and thus communication. The team, led by physics graduate student Steven Olmschenk at the University of Maryland, College Park, succeeded in teleporting quantum information between ytterbium ions (charged atoms) three feet (one meter) apart.

Now it seems a small step towards the possibility of a star trek type transporter, and really at this point the only practical use would be in the field of quantum communications, which in itself is revolutionary.

But of course it got me thinking.

If the ability to transport was readily available to the population, would you use it? Would you have an issue standing in a pod or beam that would scan you at the atomic level, disassemble you in one place and reassemble you in a new place?

There is one possible problem that has been approached before. What if the transported you is not YOU at all but a copy of you that has no idea it is just a copy as it has all the memories you entered the pod with (including getting into the pod itself).

Now what if your old you simply stops existing.

For some reason I fear something like that more than even death. At least with death it is finite and you’re dead. But the thought of myself walking around as myself but not being witness by my SELF, is terrifying. Even though I can depend that my new self will perform in much the same manner as my original self, not being PRESENT to witness it freaks me out to no end.

I mean if I stepped in and went I would never know I didn't make it, but the possibility someone else (while still being me) would probably prevent me from trying it anyway.

And here lies a similar dilemma with the afterlife debate. If you get to the afterlife and there is nothing you can't tell anyone. If you go and there is something you still can't tell anyone. AND in the rare case where you are brought back from what you think was the afterlife. You still cannot be certain it was not a product of the lack of O2 or similar phenomenon. You can't know if you have eternal life after death without staying there.

As in the afterlife in teleportation, no matter how many people have done it you cannot say for sure the actual person perceiving the end result made it through.

So again I ask. Would you dare walk into one of these devices willingly?

Snow madness

2008-12-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

Well it happened as they said it would. Snow all night and morning stop around noon. Last I saw it had stopped.

Why is it that people are suprised by this. There is no snow removal in Richmond so hopefully Surrey is better!

We will see.

Oh and about that format? *Shrug*

Thought of the week — Cubicles and Dinosaurs

2008-12-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Over the next 10 years, millions of baby boomers born between 1945 and 1965 will be leaving our workforce, unfortunately they will not be leaving as many children in their wake to make up for the mass retirement.

At first this looks to be a major issue. Let’s think about that for a moment.

This morning I was asked for assistance by one of these people let’s call him Herbert Neck. Herbert is a technological dinosaur. For someone like him even the simplest task on a computer is challenging to say the least. He is a one path user, in the sense he only knows of single methods for accomplishing tasks. He uses the Edit > Copy, Edit > Paste methodology for almost every task I take for granted. Ctrl and Alt keys are foreign to him and forget about that “new key that looks like a Swedish flag”.

This man is detail orient to say the least, needing to read whole pages of text to understand what is being displayed. There is no scanning skills present.

The tasks that this man needed help with were as follows.

· Set up a projector and laptop for a Presentation
· Insert a DVD and queue it for sharing at the meeting
· Get a couple slides from three or four separate slide shows
· Combine into an overview slideshow consisting of 14 slides

I take every step in this process for granted. I not only know how to do them but I don’t have to think about it. If I was tasked with this it might take me 15 minutes, while sipping coffee and eating a bagel. With him, it too 2.5 hours. And he still was not convinced it was all going to be fine.
Now in my world, if I were presenting something, I might worry about messing up my speech or having the correct numbers in the slide, but for him, that was second nature. He was worried if the computer might “go black”.

So it got me thinking. His meeting is over at 12 noon. His slides were prepped (but not compiled) yesterday. So really in 4 hours he accomplished or three tasks missing every phone call and not responding to emails. In the time it took me to write this post I have completed 10 tasks and answered 4 emails. I answered a call from my wife. And I never missed a beat. Switching applications and grabbing note paper when needed.

Now I am not suggesting that Herbert is the norm for the age group I am speaking about, he is exceptional, or that I am somehow better than him. But I was left wondering...

I can complete hundreds of computer and technology related tasks a day, great. But of those tasks, with all my multitasking how much attention to the details am I possibly paying. I would hope enough, but probably not. However Herbert, can formulate plans so complex that they shape the very fundamentals of human thought. And cover every base 10 times over. Now that is something.

We work in two very different fields, mine being web development and design, and his more a business analyst type role. But our computer/tech challenges or tasks are virtually the same. Print this, read this, copy this, post this, save that, read that, answer that.

Could my generation’s efficiency in completing these tasks make up for the disparity in the workforce?

There will definitely be a quality vs. quantity issue, but will the fact that it takes my generation 5 minutes vs. his 1 hour to overcome a challenge faced with the tools make up for the extra time I will need to formulate and find solutions to the overall business need?

Tuesday Talk Back — Slapstick Politics

2008-12-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

When reading the following post, Slapstick Politics: More Than 650 Scientists Dissent over UN Global Warming Report by Julian Dunraven, I could not help but agree.

No matter what side of the fence you are on with the global warming debate, you have to agree that science is the method for finding the truths.

Politics entered the science stage a long time ago, but there has been few topics where the science can be this economically damaging to the "big guys". In a world driven by greed, it is little surprise they have gotten involved.

Science can prevail and the truth is achievable but only if the people get off their asses and learn to tell the difference between real science and political positioning.

As I said in a previous post. The earth is resilient. It will survive, whether it be through warming or cooling till we all die. All we can do is make sure we aren't killing ourselves, and the path to that is Science.

Thought = Madness 3.0

2008-12-15T10:21:00.000-08:00

I have decided to change things up a built. Now is a good time as I have virtually no readers. The online diary thing is no longer working for me. So when thinking of a new direction I returned to the original concept of T=M.

Thought = Madness, throughout history our world’s greatest minds have been an eccentric bunch, from Einstein to Socrates, and more recently Chomsky to Dawkins. Earth’s real thinkers were regarded by most of their peers are ‘different’ or ‘crazy’.

The reason for this is twofold, one because the very nature of a great thinker was to question the “Norm”. Look beyond belief and obtain glimpses of things the current ‘realities’ do not allow for. It is this essence that I aim to capture within these pages. Two, a bit of the classic genius syndrome .

I am by no means suggesting that I am one of the world’s great thinkers but instead put forth that there is a little of that greatness in each and every one of us. We are born with it. Unfortunately it is beat from us as we age, and some people choose to shut it off altogether. It is a common perception that imagination is not worth anything but it is that same trait that saves corporations from failure, or countries from destruction. We even have a cliché regarding it.
Think outside the box.

To capture ones imaginings reign them in and use that skill as a tool is one of my greatest quests. To prove my teachers wrong when they question my abilities and claimed I had my head in the clouds. My head was in the clouds because those said clouds are really interesting. Frankly I couldn’t have cared any less to think about the text book thoughts. Those thoughts have been thought so many times that there is nothing else to learn from it. If I ever need to know that information I know it is in a book and ready for me to use. What about the information not yet in a book. Not yet conceived. I think that is where the magic happens.

So the new format will play out something like this:

Monday – Highlight last week’s comments and respond
Tuesday - Talk back (Highlight thoughts around the blogosphere)
Wednesday - No posts (Workday to prepare topic for thought of the week)
Thursday - Thought of the week ( with homework for readers to formulate debates/ideas on a particular subject)
Friday - Free thought
Weekend post – Free Thought

The Earth in all its glory

2008-12-14T21:03:00.000-08:00

Earth The Biography, the next offering in the BBC's documentary library is a facinating look at just how special and unique our planet is. I highly recommend this film.

Movies like these always seem to bring back the prespective of the enormity of our world and fact the humans existance is very insignifigant.

The cars we drive give off exhaust sure.

But nothing like mother nature spews all over her self every few thousand years.

Our world is heating up. It will likely get hotter. But then another change will happen deep within the core of the planet and we will all be complaining about the 60 below winter that last 10K years.

I mean yes humans do polute no doubt. But I am pretty sure something as powerful as earth can fight back.

Congratulations Gus Greeper! - My vote counted

2008-12-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Guss Greeper voted by her readers as Runner up in the category for "Best personal blog".

I know Gus personally but I will mention that I have read her blog for a long time and she deserves the award as she literally and figuratively puts her heart and soul into this medium.

Keep going Gus as I know your reflection on depression and living with it, rings true to a lot of sufferers.

Empty thoughts of an endless mind

2008-12-08T11:56:00.000-08:00

My brain hurts. It is too full of imagination.

I have been referred to as a tap with no valve. I think and think about the what if’s… I grew up on it. For years almost the only thing I ever thought about was making life into a Sega master system game. I forgot the most important part of that equation. Me doing it.

Today I still struggle with this. One day I have the best idea, only to have a better one the next day, so I let life pass only thinking about the what if.

I need a valve. Something to throttle the flow or even better let that flow power the underpowered part of me. The do’er.

Can you be my valve?

Heat is taken for granted

2008-12-05T12:06:00.001-08:00

I woke this morning to find out our central heating had died. I don't know what happened but I do recall last night at 10:30 (though it felt like the middle of the night) I was awakened with a call from the psycho under the stairs. Complaining of smelling fire.

It wasn't till this morning that I realized what it all meant. It looks like our house will be cold for a couple of days until we get it fixed.

I sit here now and contemplate that hearing the crazy lady talk about fire held no weight for me I simply rolled over and went back to sleep. Sounds a bit dangerous, but after being awakened by said woman on a number of occasions for things like her meds becoming magnetic and the pills sticking together (She however could not get the meds to display this phenomenon under my direct observation). I may be jaded.

The point is. Our house could have burnt down and I ignored the warning signs.

Another day, another month, another year has gone by.

2008-12-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

Interesting the fact that a year can pass in the time you were meaning to write a blog post. That is beyond fade, that is pure and utter death. Well I raise the old Zombie.

A year makes you smarter. It's days filled with complexifications and simplifications it all rounds out to that same old thing. A year. 2008 was a year of change and now sitting clearly in it's wane I ponder the question. What really happened this year?

What my car will look like in 2018

2007-12-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

I can't wait till 2018. My car is going to hit car puberty and go all sexy. I own a Mazda 3 and although it hasn't changed much since I got it in 2004, supposedly it wi.ll look similar to this in 2018
Mine is grey so it wont be red like this. Come on Alrinach you have a lot of aging to do.

He will be 14 years old. I hope he is still shiny.

My christmas wishlist

2007-11-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

Other than the usual peace on earth and yada yada. I want this printer. It might be a little big for my den. But I was thinking but the loss of living space will be worth it. I mean this is a big printer. See I am little guy. If I had a printer this big people will walk out of my place saying.

"That was one big ass printer." "I know! Thats one heluva guy!"
If not they will look at it and say. "Wow" a simple wow. Think about with that one syllable means. Either way had them at, "Hey check out my printer."

I see I can print 100 billbords in 8 hours. Right on. I wonder how many 8-10 an hour? It must be mind boggling. Books in split seconds and shit like that.

Look at the lights on the top. Red Yellow Green. Light traffic lights. In fact maybe it is. Maybe they assume most people will put this out on their streets so passers can see it.

I am impressed and in awe.

The best part is when the engineers were asked to work it out it looks like they just went in a hit scale 500% and sent it to the manufacturers. Someone had been late on his project most likely.

Are YOU lurking in my life?

2007-11-09T11:09:00.001-08:00

There has been a lot said about facebook and it’s positive and negatives it has on society. There definitely are positives. Reuniting with lost friends, keeping in touch with family more, just plain socializing.

The negatives are sinister but not unavoidable. You could put to much information up, and therefore compromise your relationship, your job, or your chances at getting a business deal.

But all these things are products of activity.

One thing I haven’t heard much about is the passive side. With just a name and a picture you can gather friends into you list. Then sit back and watch their lives transpire before you.

The handy news feature at first let people know what you were doing on facebook, but now it seems with people frequenting facebook and using it as a primary communication device I have started to receive a plethora of information on people outside life as well.

Some is innocent enough. "I am going to this concert", or "I am feeling blue". Without facebook I likely would not know these things. No harm done? Not so fast.

The people you interact with in real life are merely representations of them your brain has created. This is why the age old question is oft asked. “Do people cease to exist as soon as they leave your field of experience?”

This question can still be asked, but now they are in your field of experience much more often.

I lurk in others life. I will admit it. I don’t lurk in an active creepy way. I just read a news feed that is provided to me throughout the day. But I am finding that I am forming a different view of who some of my friends and family are.

I start to see the ‘not with family’ side of family. And see the ‘with family’ side of friends. I start seeing idiotic dribble from the smart people. Or wise words from someone I may underestimate. I have discovered sexual preferences that I was not aware of. I have known about a fight between two people 1500 miles away that I have not spoken to or had any contact with (other than adding them) in 14 years.

What will people become to us if we continue reading this little innocent feed? Will they become closer images to their true self since we have more information? Or will we develop a raw and distorted view as they have no chance to explain their actions? I am not sure. But the only thing I can think. What do I look like to you on the other side of the looking glass called facebook.

Enter me

2007-07-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

April since I posted anything.

Simply pathetic.

You see the problem is... Bags are toys.

2007-04-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

You know I was thinking just now. I really never followed the rule of "Bags are not toys" printed on packaging (until recently with having a really young one in the house).

In truth since I was weened I can remember playing with bags in some such way.

They make wonderful popping sounds if done correctly.

I think about hours of time spent trying to do something really interesting like putting it on as a jumper. I even did that one recently.

I make pillows out of my old ziplocks. I make necklaces.

My dog will sit there looking at me with her tounge hanging out smiling as I use the bag as a glove and ... a smell proof container.

Sometimes you come out of the shoe store and you admire the bag your shoes are in. "They make my shoes look big and new!"

I find them places. I found one under the rug it was super squished I pretended it was a plate for a second.

My cat if they are tied just right will fetch them for me and feel super proud. Like he really did something.

I save them to. You know what I mean. That pile of bags. Yippee it is full. It makes me feel like I have a lot of something. "Well at least I have lots of bags." "I have piles of bags!"

And oh the hats...

Bags really are spectacular.
And they really are... toys.

Universcale - The significance of insignificance

2007-04-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

We all feel important. Like the world revolves around us at times.

But if you think about how large the space is between us and truly significant events you soon realize your importance is a perception.

We are all important parts of the cosmos but very small parts.

Universcale

What do lasers, robots, Las Vegas, Airplanes, and Michael Jackson have in common?

2007-03-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

They are all to come together in a massive show of democratic might!

Lasers? Frickin LASERS?

Children will come from far and wide and be led into the jaws of a waiting puffer fish to be enveloped into a large bouncing inflatable. They will then roll into the grand canyon yelling. Sorbet! Sorbet!

And the United States of Assholes will finally and forever be remembered as a bunch of chuckles.

I bet after this spectacle the Jihad will be called off and all the USA debt will be forgiven.

Importance of the un-important

2007-03-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Everyday someone tries to fill your head with it. It is one of the many Cancerous habits that plague most of the worlds collective mind. When you watch the morning news, there will be reports coming in from around the world about it. About babies being born in to it (one of the saddest parts in my opinion). There is advertisements for it.

It is the world of the VIP.

The name it self helps it's cause. Very important people.

What makes these people important.

Preception. The general population "precieves" them as important so they are.

We class them, categories the roles they play on the canvas that is our minds.

Paris, Bruce, Tom & Katie, and of course Regis.

They seem so real. The more real they feel the more they seem important. Regis is being patched up. To many he is an inspiration. He calls into his show that is currently being hosted by and battery of his peers. Other important people who stand behind Regis in his time of need.
What about Kyle? Or Nick?

What about "Old man" Jackson? They had heart problems. The were patched. They did not have a group of peers to carry on their legacy so public opinion did not wane.

They did not have satelight conference calls with work having millions of people come together and well wish. They are important to. In the end when they become plant food they amount to about the same count of energy.

So why do we perceive these people as important. Is the lights? Is it the makeup? I don't think so.

It is completely because we were told they are important.

We were told from an early age. Birth in fact.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Astronaut? Rock Star? Doctor? Sure but it wasn't just a doctor. It was "The doctor".

From your first taste of the humility of being an human and therefore and animal. You need to rise. You need somewhere to go. Where is there to go? If you are talking about being, nowhere. You are already there.

If you talk about ego. There is something you can do. You can have more people identify your ego. The more people who identify with your ego, role. The more the role is solidified.

That role becomes the person and the person is the role. More people everyday consider even unimportant tramps important.

It is not wrong to be entertained by entertainer's entertainment. It is not wrong to View a famous artist's work with reverence.

It is only wrong to be interested because that person has been learned to be important.

Important is perceived. There is nothing more important to me than my family. But that is because they are real real to me, and truly mine.

Next? Role models.

What time is it?

2007-03-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

Now.

That is the only answer that could ever be correct. The question is base in insanity. In the ego. There are practical uses for time for sure. What time does this bus come? That is a viable use. But even that in our world of 15 minute waits is hardly relevant in the grand picture.

The time is now. What other time could it be?

200th Post!!! Now with more butter!

2007-03-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

The is my 200th post and as a gift to myself I will post three you tube links!

Savanah

2007-03-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Check it. This band recently changed my life inderectly and directly.

I was at there show last Friday and that evening I destroyed a piece of myself.

Since then I have been going through a mirad of things most of them directly associated with substance abuse.

At the show I bought two Sampler CD's and they have been on repeat since.

Today, I am listening with a new ear and hearing the message. A message of hope.

Thanks guys, see you at the next show.

Clicky to their myspace

USB absinthe spoon - The green fairy goes 2.0

2007-02-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like blending useful technology with a beautiful and usable piece of art.

USB Absinthe spoon

Not fixed but patched up

2007-02-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

As I now write I have found some peace. I am firmly planted on the sea floor again with my fish swimming nearby. They are tentative. Is the poison gone? I can assure them it is as they look through my hundreds of outstretched arms.

They can't clean me this time I need to do it on my own. But they again can look into my belly and see it empty and see my eyes are clear.

It will undoubtedly take a lot of time for them to call me home again but at least I am planted and ready for anything.

I will paint the world with a brush so broad again. It just makes everything blurry.

I am broken

2007-02-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

Not like a glass thrown against a wall, or a heart smashed against a step. But more like a horse that was wild turned tame.

I see that I want to be ridden. I want to be worked. I was to be bridled not as a slave or as a prisoner but an entity in a symbiotic relationship.

I want to be the anenome protecting the fish that swim in my person. I want to look to the surface and know that up there I would die and my partners aren't stupid enough to follow me.

I am poisoned at the moment so the fish have left at first I thought "go to the surface that will show everyone how you feel". But I realized that was my distructive behaviour trying to get the best of me. I flushed my poison. I sat in my sickness and looked at the floor for hours. Noticing stains I never have before. I wonder is that blood? No it is likely jam dropped by the people who make my house a home.

I returned to the sea to realize that I had in fact lost my home. I still have my house but it is empty.

Even my dog didn't care I was home.

I will fight for what I believe in. What I know is real. What I know is right. I will wear a ring on my finger with pride and I will be me over and over and over again. I am not such a bad guy I have tonnes of potential. Even if no one has faith in me at least I do. Thats all I can say

The crowhawk

2007-02-21T09:27:00.000-08:00

The hair be gone, thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven.

Look what I made

2007-02-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

I have almost invented something. I am not sure what to call it. I am not sure how it works as I haven’t written the instruction booklet. I don’t really read them anyways. I will probably just figure it out.

The packaging is up in the air. As I am not sure how big it will be.

I know for sure that it will come wrapped in plastic bags. They will say “Bags are not toys”.

I know this so it seems a moot point but I need to include it for law.

On a side note bags make wonderful hats. And water resistant neckerchiefs for that matter.

I want to for surely use that indestructible plastic that smells of rubbers. Oh yeah and those twist ties that are pretty much the best twist ties ever. I think I will include extras so that people can take the lunches to work using them.

I need to come up with a catchy tag line like “The future is now” or “Got milk?”

My first attempt is a keeper I think: “My future is Got that?”

What do you think?

Does anybody know a good manufacturing company? They need to be overseas and employ mostly tweens. They still have littler fingers but there is always a slow big guy who can help with heavy lifting. I will send them Christmas cards with Candy canes scotch taped to them. They will all sing a remix of Dancing queen.

I am going to rule the world. What is the number of the patent place?

I smashed my skull

2007-01-30T13:04:00.000-08:00

I am at it again. As the pavement dries, and the stir crazies begin, I got out on my board. Well not my board, but mine for now.

That reminds me that one of my board brothers (who has been MIA in Thailand for a couple months) is returning in the near future.

The sun is shining the shoes are stinky and I am ready to run.

Digi, how close are you to uninjured and ready?

Finally thats over

2007-01-02T11:21:00.001-08:00

Xmas and NewYears gone again for good. No hard feelings here. This one was ridiculous. No more I say no more.

duh

2006-12-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

duh
Originally uploaded by dragko.

Well Duuuhh.

I heard it in the mall a couple days ago it is making a resurgence. Possibly due to "Drawn Together"

It makes me think. If these things become cliche and then go into the bin. Then get a resurgence. Are they even more cliche and therefore making it stupid that it was binned in the first place.

Take back the night

2006-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

Take back the night
Originally uploaded by dragko.

We the breed own the night. We the breed vow to fight. We the breed feed on life. We the breed will bring you strife.

Blood covered eyes. Smell of flesh in tear. The sound of bones no longer connected. The smile that crosses my face when prey give up.

Snow Madness.

2006-11-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have a sinister and evil plan. I am going to create sun focussing lenses and sell them to the eskimos(I know they are Inuit but I find that term offensive).

The eskimos can use these lenses to focus the sun on there nation and make it tropical. Then they can sit in their baby seal hot pants and poke out fish eyes, and laugh at us while we freeze in dirty snow.

They could start making grapefruits and watermelons and sell them to England. Then they will rule the world and praise me as their sirian lord.

I will call them my children and produce their throat singing albums for little or no cut to them.

This just in...

2006-11-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

Flickr is not as much fun with the images in your browser turned off.

Oops I made a little.... sick

2006-11-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

My my my Paris gets hotter and hotter by the minute.

Paris,

I hope you read this because you are my hero. You are along side G.G.Allen. You should really switch to punk, we apreciate vomit on stage.

I suggest the name P.P. Fed.

Love
Me

No boarding now in video

2006-11-17T15:25:00.000-08:00

OK so here it is. In the flesh.http://www.devilducky.com/media/53781/

My new hero.

The ego is a terrible thing to waste.

2006-11-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

I as some of you know am an avid reader of all works "Ekhart Tolle". For those of you less seasoned in the world of "self-help" and "self transformation" I introduce to you my messiah.

Now in reading his passages I extracted a very simple rule. In my words.

"Do not lament what was, don't anticipate what will be, and be happy with what is."

This is often difficult and no matter how enlightened you may be you know of a time when you allowed your egoic self to take over.

Now if there is one thing I have learned it is that ego is an extremilly predictable entity that has patters much stronger than our awakened self. In fact our awakened selves are without pattern.

But that being said, could your egoic mind be used as a tool? But could you while enlightened look into that which is your ego and play its part. Instead of destroying the ego why not harvest it's power.

Still thinking...

The madman missed but now he got it.

2006-11-10T14:13:00.000-08:00

So I have now parted with the painting you saw in the previous post. What a strange experience. As an artist I have always found it difficult to be proud of my art. I have never been able to sell my art, or even give it away in most cases. Not because I don't want to part with it but more because it is self-quantifying and I feel a sense of humility or shame in my work.

So I took the bulls by the horns. I wanted to give one of my closest friend (you know him as digi) a good gift for his Life-start-day. I could not think of what I should do. Then I posted an image of one of my paintings here and if you look below he gave me the greatest compliment I have had yet about my art. Basically he would love to grace his wall with such an item. I was shocked and that day I decided it's his.

However I did not anticipate the emotions involved in baring your soul on canvas and then deeming it a Good gift. I felt horrible. Again not because the paint was leaving but because I felt I was assuming someone else would want it. Even with the compliment I still disbelieved.

Now it is in his hands. I am happy it has gone on to someone to enjoy but I still feel this pang (or should I say Tang) itching my ass.

Did I look a fool. Could I really be an artist? My fear is real but my thoughts know better.

So Digi, thank you for being my first. You took my artistic flower and made me appreciate my work in a different way. From someone else’s eyes.

The science of a madman missing his mark.

2006-10-23T14:06:00.000-07:00

Madness seeps in from every corner. The street lit only with a handful of street lamps. The rest burnt out. The stairway to the house drips with his own imagination. There lies his mother. How she would scold him now. The muted color on the wall smells of Lavender and apple blossoms. The back door was left ajar. That's my only defense.

Oh the HORROR!

2006-10-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I saw it.  At first I could not make it out.  It was too new.  The first thing I realized is it had a face, a face not unlike and elderly miser who had lost his eyes in the war.  Two open wounds where eyes may have been.  The mouth loose leather instead of lips, splayed in areas that dried long ago.  There was a long slender neck that had folds of extra flesh as it could distend its neck three times it's current length.

It walked on all fours but with the front stood upon its reversed knees.  Praying mantis is the obvious comparison with its hands replaced with a blade of what looks to be onyx but is in fact the black bone of this terrible creature.  Although obviously male its young hang feeding from teats.  The puss sacks that secret the plasma the pupid beast hunger for dangle like tumor’ous growths destined to catch on every edge.

It smelled of raspberries, which in the end sounds ridiculous but I remember thinking it all the same.  It's thin tail flicked nervously as we met in the hallway.  A blade at the very end, could cut glass.  Then it was gone.  A puff of dust in it's place, the fine powder being to slow to keep up with its dangerous speed.  There was something much more mechanical then you would normally see in nature.  But could this really be natural?

It was on me in a second, vomiting strands of serrated filaments.  The pain was instant and devastating.  I look down and watch my skin fall to the floor.  I stand for but a second feeling more naked than possible.  A crumpling fall and loose my mind.

/queryKnowledgeBase: Pirates;

2006-10-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Digi supplied the data I am supplying the database.  Here is what has been input thus far.

Blackbeard’s real name was Edward Teach (possibly born Edward Drummond) and he really only careered as a pirate for two years from 1716-1718, when he was killed in a pretty extreme final battle.

Legend has it he was shot five time and slashed 20 or more times before he finally fell and then after being beheaded his body ran wildly around the deck before it jumped overboard.  Teach’s head was hung from the bow of Robert Maynard’s ship after he was killed.

Before his death, Blackbeard’s favorite drink was Rum and Gunpowder.

He sailed a 40gun Concorde called “The Queens Revenge” the vessel was originally built as a slaver so it was large and menacing, the ship was eventually run aground (allegedly Teach did this intentionally in order to downsize his crew, which he marooned)

The Queens Revenge wreck was eventually discovered in 1996 in a bay in North Carolina.

{end}

Dead Meat (Obligatory Review)

2006-10-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

Where to begin.  This film is simply put a work of pure pulp/cult – Genius.

We open to an astonishingly raw cow attack.  No holds barred “we are setting the stage her not making you think this is real.”  From that scene on you are either with it or not.

Either the movie plays on and you are in store for a wonderful ride.  Or you simply get off the couch and make stupid remarks about how hot the kitchen is.   Regardless to say I was the former.

This film was beautiful.  There was a wonderful smoky feel through-out, not unlike the color of your grandma’s living room that you only notice after cleaning her pictures off the wall, after you plant her in the garden.

Not one but to Stiletto deaths.  Come on the less clothes she has in the end the better right.  This film won’t bash down everyone’s doors but I am sure Writer/Director Conor McMahon birthed some die hard fans with this drippy lump.

Cellular visions

2006-10-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

Life at the molecular level often thought of as the most basic level. It is more complex than our minds can possibly handle.

Please may I truly be that insignificant.

The video will change the way you look at the world.
The Article

Zombies don't knit

2006-09-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

but this lady knits zombies.

I am pretty much a knitter now.

No-boarding

2006-09-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

The pavement dries the last of the morning dew as Tim steps off the curb. He gazes half meditative down the long winding run ahead of him. He sits down on the ground. He suit of armor and wheels clanking together. He stares of in thought this sport his personal Mantra.

"What are you doing you dork?" some kid with a skateboard asks.

"I'm no-boarding you doo doo head!" our hero says as he gently glides off towards the hill.

And the rest is history.

Baby baby please be my LensBaby

2006-09-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

So a new LensBaby. I was looking at past iterations with desire but this new model the 3G facinates me.

Another wishlist item I guess. Unfortunatly the 3G is not listed in Froogle yet.

Radio interview with Max Brooks authour of "World War Z"

2006-09-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

In a world where people came undeniably close to extinction there are few men more heralded than Max Brooks, as an expert in the phenomenon of the living dead. Having previous to the war been the author of The Zombie Survival Guide, he became a resource for people trying to fight back against the threat.

The NPR has a radio interview with Max the chronicler or the War against Zack to promote his new boo World War Z

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6104111

her name is helen

2006-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Folie À Deux

2006-08-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

So again I am patched to version 1.4.  The last time I used it people asked, “How can you use that thing?  It gave me weird dreams!”

I always replied.  “Not me.” with a shrug.

Well, let me tell you the last two nights in a row have been amazing.  I already have strange dreams.  A lot of them based on my fears and anxieties, but these last two nights have been somewhat different.  The main difference is  I am completely lucid.

I don’t mean I can direct the show.  I mean I know I am dreaming and can conjure my every whim.  It is incredible.  Last night I lived a horror movie.  Let’s call it a cross between “Folie À Deux” Xfiles, and Devils Rejects both of which I watched yesterday.

It was insane.  I was victim of course so I got to deal with that shit yo.  Most people call this a nightmare.  I call it a fantasy.

In to the weeds

2006-07-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

In to the weeds
Originally uploaded by dragko.

We come into your territory and we are prolific. We spread our genes wide. We have been designed this way. We did not choose to be who we are, but now that we are, we are proud. We stand tall, taller even than the oppressed refugees you have chosen to live in your land. You may cut them to keep them from over taking you but you fear us so you destroy us.

Oh to be accepted as part of your great land. Your yard.

outsane

2006-07-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

outsane
Originally uploaded by dragko.

Looking out from within his chamber, the grown man feels like an infant. The walls stark, the light starker, his mind is blurred by the systematic removal of his personality. Three a day, red ones. He has not even been told their effects. His only saving grace a beautiful woman, or at least a picture of her, hangs on the wall. Not by a sharp nail unfortunately but merely affixed with his own chemical sweat.

Idea abuse

2006-07-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

I get an idea. I love the idea. I play with the idea. I get frustrated with said idea.

I abandon idea.

The endless cycle.