Tuesday, August 30, 2005
What could be wrong. Maybe I have a touch of the flu. I am feeling ill from time to time. Maybe that’s the cause. So because of this I am going to post a picture of a dead couple. Maybe that will help my mood.
Meet Robert and Isabella Henderson, they have a wonderful headstone gracing their plot. I have to wonder if they get any visitors. I would think not since Robert passed away in 1916 and his wife in 1940. I said hello to them, I bet they appreciated the greeting. I sometimes think about Robert when I feel blue. He lived in some tough times and he made it to the ripe old age of 76. If he can do it so can I...
Monday, August 29, 2005
things on my desk...
- A wooden man wearing a tie and hardhat and operating a miniature version of beaker.
- Two bendy plush snakes engaging in unspeakable acts.
- A Helcat records promotional poster
- A printed cover of the "never actually printed" magazine "Popular Mullets"
- A Styrofoam egg
- A picture of me and my boss actually liking each other
- 1972 electric pencil sharpener
things I say to much...
- Give or take a few
- In reality...
- That being said...
- are you pissed at me?
- I am never drinking again
things not many people know about me...
- I was in speed skating for 8 years
- I tried to form a band called "A boy and his pickle", at the time none of us even knew any instruments.
- I am not as strange as everyone thinks
- I went on a date with Corrina... Can we call it that? (She did beat me up in Teken.)
- I am a StarWars nerd... (and a recovering Star Trek Nerd)
- I once ate two or three pounds of sours... I got violently ill and did not eat them for 10 years
- I am allergic to horses.
And as always with me... I fufill my obligation to post on a tag but quickly halt it... NO TAGS FROM ME.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Check out his photo's you won't be disappointed, nay inspired.
Or is it simply a trick of the camera. We may never know.
I think that the moon lights the sun.
Reality is what you make it. Let the darkness envelop yourself and truly feel individualism.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I have this problem. I work within a VERY creative team which at this point has not shown a lot of discipline. We come up with ideas (some of which are brilliant) and we think about them for a time get excited and then at some unspecified time we fall-off. No one to blame but ourselves.
I want to work on my discipline. This lack of discipline is the root cause of 95% of my issues in life. Do I need boot camp? Martial arts? Or is it simply learning disciplinary skills on my own. I don't think I am disciplined enough to do it alone.
Monday, August 22, 2005
In my life I have had a few horrible events, nothing earth shattering, nor worth telling you about now. I did talk to people about them, a lot. But that was not a part of my healing.
That part was, still the pain body and loving the release and sympathy for its horrid and controlling state. It was not until I quit talking (dwelling) on the problem or event that I truly moved on.
Self worth is directly connected to your outlook on life. If you do not value your life, and I don't mean your pain body, I mean your life. The "you", the person inside, how could you ever feel worth something, and in turn have others feel you are worth something. Pain decreases your "value" and the dwelling, talking, and blogging about how you "tried" to kill yourself will not make your problems disappear. It will only force your pain body to the surface where
It's addictive and an interesting way to look at your blog and the readership it has.
For now...the word is destroydead
Friday, August 19, 2005
Now I realize this is not FULL frontal.... but all the important bits are accounted for. Does it count... Or should I start fragments of frontal friday?
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Also I found out some interesting news. I was in fact not in a fist fight but more of a one ended assault with a healthy bout of self defense. Turns out the t. was not as big a shit-head as once believed.
I have bruises all over I hurt and I think I am about the complete write off a friend who has anger management problems and can't deal with a loud mouth like me. If you do something stupid I will tell you. Please however do not assault me, I by no means intended violence and had I know it would come to that I would come prepared not a screwed up mess on the floor of a bus.
Friday, August 12, 2005
I had driven so far looking for a safe place to pull off the highway that did not have a "No overnight parking" (idiots) sign.
I enjoyed my first couple days seeing old friend and walking to my own rhythm. Then came STAG night. It was meant to be paintball with the boys and drinks afterwards then to meet the girls and dance into the wee hours.
NOPE not for me, that's not what I did. I grabbed a 26 of rum and from what I understand polish off 1/2 of it before we get to paintball. I pass out. I wake up after paintball. I am FUBAR. I look at myself I am a total mess. I am bleeding and bruised and have pussy written across my stomach in jiffy.
I have been told Chad (an old friend) and I got in a first fight. I got beat up and everyone is pissed. I apologize? Yes what a horrible thing to do on your buddies stag. I got out of control. I tend to sit here and beat myself up about it. Feel bad and all that. But I realize its drinking the way I do that is to blame. I drink straight. I drink from the bottle if I want and I get drunk.
So that being said no more rum for a long while. And I am sorry Steve and Amy for messing up what could have been a rad night.
So here I sit awaiting the wedding. So I can get the hell outta here go back to where I am safe and secure. At home witht the two coolest people in the world. sKerry and Windy, I will see you soon.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Every place of work that has it's own kitchen (cafeteria style) has a lunch lady. Now until recently we here at my office had not inherited a true lunch lady.
We now are the proud owner.
Before we had various standard service area persons. From the grumpy, bitchy, lady to the man you can't understand what is coming out of their mouth. All these people with bones to pick and getting frustrated over the world idiocy because the forgot to grab the garlic bread and would now like it as an after thought, or you were only to have a small coffee with the special and it is not worth my time to add the extra cents so I will let you go this time but not without a look of disgust!
But now we wait no longer our lunch lady has arrived.
I will start with a brief physical description.
She is an older lady possibly in her 70's, but more likely in her late 50's or early 60's but has smoked for 45 of those making her look 20 year older. She stands and walks with her knees bent a bit of a sway back topped of with a hunch. Really her stature is sort of like a cobra.
She greets me EVERYTIME with Maamm. Now the first few times I corrected her and said "sir." but she did not apologize or say anything just moved on like I was telling tales. So now I just take the gender flub and forget it. (Sometimes I answer in valley girl tone)
Here is a breakdown of ordering.
LL: What can I get you maam?
me: Can I get the perogies with the Yam's and Mushrooms.
ll: Is that to stay or to go?
me: For here (although I go I don't like the Styrofoam)
She grabs a plate and walks over to the side dishes.
ll: Do you want and veggies?
me: Yes Yams and the roasted Mushrooms please.
She proceeds to put one small piece of yam dead center in the plate and surrounds it with a HUGE and I mean huge two or three spoons of Mushroom. Enough for 4 people. The plate is now full.
ll: And what entree would out like maam?
me (to self): did she say out in that sentence?
At this point I decide it was pointless to ask the initial "What can I get you Maam" as she has either forgotten during the decision for eat in or out.
me: The perogies please
4 perogies carefully counted out with a spoon the size of my leg the mashed with the lack of dexterity that comes with a tool of its size.
I now have a little pile of mashed potatoes with the perogie skins on the side.
ll: Would you like Onions and sauerkraut... er sour... sour kraut? ...er Sour?? Cream .. Sour cream and sour kraut? no Onions. Sour cream and onions?
me: Yes please.
ll: You would like them?
me: Yes but please no Sour kraut.
She looks at me like I am stupid and says:
LL: we don't have any sour kraut sir. (She proves she knows my gender)
Finally she goes for the onions. PLOP literally two large cooking onions on top. and a table spoon of sour cream.
She hands me the plate....
me: Don't I get a sausage with that? (like I need it)
Looks at me like I am stupid or insane and
LL: YES maam...
And uses her hand and picks up a sausage. (now the interesting part I noticed is she did not even use the tips of her fingers like you would think. No, she palmed the fucker. FULL GRIP)
And drops it like a fucking cherry on the top of this horrific pile.
My plate was 8 inches deep at the center.
By the time I found my poor little yam it was covered with so much crap it no longer looks appetizing at all.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Interesting that all through history MI6, the CIA, mossad, and all the worlds intelligence agencies are notorious for creating double agents.
This leaves the biggest holes in security you could possibly make.
Double agents quickly become triple agents.
More money more info. It is like putting your trust in a rapest on a deserted island.
It takes courage to step up to that plate, and confess your unstableness. To twist your eyes around in their sockets and look yourself deep in the soul and say "Why?"
Why do you continue to pretend. Why do you feel merely saying your better makes you better.
Self enlightenment and repair takes time, energy, but most of all action.
A smoker who says I ill quit after this pack is merely making themselves feel more secure about smoking that pack. The mind questions the act, and the ego defends it.
Same goes for a lot of things in life.
If your girlfriend is pissed at you for being late to pick her up for the movies, it is not solved by making her believe you were stuck in traffic, rather than having "one more" with the boys. Although the anger goes away but that is replaced by a lie. Lies build. You have heard that. Now think about it.
I realized I was doing this sort of thing on a regular basis. I blamed it on the fact that my partner was "too controlling" or "Looking for things that are wrong".
I wasn't being flat out untruthful just bending truths to further myself. It all sounds horrible, i know, but each little fib or story is not bad, not big, not some drama, but the whole thing all amalgamating into a great deceit. And that becomes horrible.
The untruths like "I could stop smoking weed anytime" don't start with my partner. They are not said for her benefit. They are said for mine. If I was to say "I would have a hard time stopping completely" that is more true and no more a failure. IN fact it is a success since I am embracing the truth. I do enjoy smoking up. So it would be hard to give it up altogether. Is there anything wrong with that. NO If you LOVED swimming as your pass time you would not want to NEVER do it again.
But when I am sitting there on say a Saturday afternoon, looking at a house that needs obvious work, and saying I will do it in a hour, for 6 and a half hours, that’s just stupid.
I need to realign. Realize that not every moment can be FUN and GAMES. I need to get more serious. I always compare myself to a friend whom seems to have it together but also smokes weed and parties. But you know what. I offered him a joint last weekend and he said "No, I have all kinds of stuff to do tomorrow" I replied, "That’s tomorrow dude" and thought he daft.
You know what. I bet his stuff got done. You know what else. I smoked that joint. I did not get the stuff I wanted to get done, done.
It's all pretty clear. And for the last couple days so is my head. And I am ALOT better for it.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Pentagon bans use of anonymous quotes in press releases
Monday, August 01, 2005
Inner smile is what I will call it.
She is the best. A little best come off the rest of the best.
My family does not seem so messy.
Could a three year old acctually bring order to a chaotic household?