Friday, April 30, 2010

Holy living dead dude the week of the century.

It is 9 pm on Friday night. Task lists checked some nagging stuff taken care of. Tomorrow tentatively planned. Nothing hard and fast tomorrow will bring new things you see. Tea at my side I drift inside, to a world full of worries and heartache and hate and I look back to where I sit right now. So safe , so sound. The quiet hum of our quiet, the quiet we call quiet but is really full of life.

I am at peace. I have found calm.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I am easily distracted

Where was I? Oh yeah I am easily distracted. It's not shiny things really. It is just things. everything distracts me. But the most distressing "thing" to me is nothing. Empty space is distracting. Soundless moments, somewhat off putting. Like when a hum finally goes away.

That all being said I am also easily frustrated.

This is really bad since I am often frustrated, by, in-fact, being distracted. Which in turn causes another distraction... and you get the picture.

Distractions are a loss of control. They are minor losses but your mind perceives them as a chaotic moment... especially if your brain was on a roll. It is somewhat akin to a train wreck coming out of that.

Well this simple trick has helped me more than I can even understand.

I simply write on the top of a note page


Then I put 5 check boxes, leaving space for later.

As my day goes on. I can as I get distracted check a box and here is the magic. Write a little anecdote about the moment. Soon I found myself resisting distractions simply because the really sneaky ones are the most fun.

For instance, had this one today.

Had conversation with colleague proclaiming I wasn't into all that hippy hogwash.

Made me laugh... I guess you had to be there.

You get the point. All of a sudden I am in control of OTHER peoples distractions. And that is self mentalististic if you ask me.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Feeling more in control

I am on my third week of implementing the GTD mindset. I am 48% done the book (thanks kindle) it is taking a lot longer than I thought to get through the book as I am taking notes and implementing the aspects covered on the fly. The last two days have seen me working through my various "reference" files. I have gone from having literally thousands of useless pieces of paper to under 100 useful files. They are alphabetized and labeled and ready to be used properly. What I am slightly surprised with is how good it felt to get rid of paper that had very little meaning or value to me. I would have thought I never thought about the shit but I guess I did as I am finding already I am more relaxed as I know where things go.

So onwards, this is really changing my life for the better.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Doctor's are a mans only true comfidant

When you visit your doctor in a honest and open fashion you end up building a trusting relationship that doesn't pass judgement nor make you feel worse about yourself that is rare in this world very few people try to look through the layers that make everyone human to really see the person hiding under there. For someone who is obese a doctor sees a person wrapped in an unhealthy mask. For someone struggling with mental illness he puts your being back together in his/her mind to see the benchmark a person needs to maintain. My doctor is very special a genius and someone who has always motivated me to become what I can be not what a thought I was. Peace be with everyone who feels alone go find a great doctor and take on lifes challenges with a partner. Oh and try to make it fun too.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Double double

If there is something better to make you so full you throat sphinkter unable to close I don't know about it. Burger fries ceased salad three onion rings colslaw and three pints of coke. I can't wait to crash from this high!!!

Location:NO. 3 Rd,Richmond,Canada

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sea birds, sunrise and magic fingers

Waking up in my bed is a pretty sweet place to regain conciousness. First I am greeted by gulls singing thier songs of morning madness most people would likely find there braying as annoying, I find it grounding and real. The sunrise is slow and natural and proceeds to break my slumber. But the best part? Waking up and realizing I have achieved a life goal. To be part of a loving family.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Getting things done

Finally picked up Getting things done by David Allen on my Kindle. I plan to read it this Weekend I figure it looks like a 5 hour read. I will keep you posted as to what I think. People I know have raved about it. And it is a major topic on the toodledo forums.

If you are interested in reading about it there is a slim wiki article here.

"Cult for the information age!!" Hells yeah!

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Working isn't

Thought: Working isn't.

If you can understand that sentence you have just won a lemon meringue pie.

It is time to pick my sorry ass up and get back at it. Sitting there staring into space hasn't ever gotten me anywhere.

My reflection is my image and my image is my being my being is a reflection of my image.

Pushing you away

Madness: People keep asking me "what's wrong" or "are you ok?" like they care or something. It is funny the same people who would complain that I am no fun now complained I was too much before. Well get over the fun Trevor died with Ryan Brady. I am this Trevor pissed of, anxious, sad, and lonely.

Madness: I am so finished with people outside of my immediate circle. And even some of the I am through with. All anybody ever wanted from me is be Ryan I am no longer Ryan he is dead. Never to come back. Take it from me he is a ego-centric prick anyway. If you don't like the real me again you too can fuck off.

Thought: My mom always told me to just be myself. For some reason when ever I tried I failed miserably. I was ridiculed and called a fag when I was being myself because I cry, I love, and I care. So I built this bad ass character (well as bad ass as a guy like me could emulate) telling everyone I could of all my bad behaviour well now I am defined as such. But i was never their Ryan had a strong hold for most of my high school years and now he is starving to death or may already be dead I really can't be sure not until I am dead. I am his host if the host dies the paracite dies with it.

So get on with it.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Three days no coffee

So three days into caffiene withdrawl my headache is finally subsiding. My digestion is almost back to normal and my appetite is returning. To top it off I am no longer peaking out come 2 pm. My sleep is still pretty shakey but dealing with the other issue will likely help that along.

All in all I feel like the lack of caffiene is the one I feel physiclly the most the rest of my cuts are purely in my head. I want to smoke up just to be able to sit and think. I want to drink to unwind after a long day. I am trying to find other sources of calm but unfortunately have been only partly successful.

I definatly don't want to be this guy. But BC med is making me. So here is where I am facing my vices. Take it from me it is harder than you think.

Location:Hazelbridge Way,Richmond,Canada

But does it run crisis

Living as a self aware dual diagnosis bi polar has it's ups and downs, literally. Last night way down. I almost failed in my goal. My lovely wife supported me and although she has all along, last night was different. For the first time in a
long time I did not feel alone. I felt listened to. I feel empowered. I still felt disappointed with myself but I was able to experience the symptoms of my issues full on. I was not worring about loosing my family and could focus on not loosing sight of my goal.

Thank you skerry for seeing what was really happining and putting your emotions to the side for the time being. I will make it up to you I promise.

I will put yesterday behind me now and let today come through for me.