It is hard to face the truth. It is hard to look deep into your being and say, I am not as innocent as I play. I am not the victim, I am the perpetrator. It takes courage to step up to that plate, and confess your unstableness. To twist your eyes around in their sockets and look yourself deep in the soul and say "Why?"
Why do you continue to pretend. Why do you feel merely saying your better makes you better.
A smoker who says I ill quit after this pack is merely making themselves feel more secure about smoking that pack. The mind questions the act, and the ego defends it.
Same goes for a lot of things in life.
If your girlfriend is pissed at you for being late to pick her up for the movies, it is not solved by making her believe you were stuck in traffic, rather than having "one more" with the boys. Although the anger goes away but that is replaced by a lie. Lies build. You have heard that. Now think about it.
I realized I was doing this sort of thing on a regular basis. I blamed it on the fact that my partner was "too controlling" or "Looking for things that are wrong".
I wasn't being flat out untruthful just bending truths to further myself. It all sounds horrible, i know, but each little fib or story is not bad, not big, not some drama, but the whole thing all amalgamating into a great deceit. And that becomes horrible.
The untruths like "I could stop smoking weed anytime" don't start with my partner. They are not said for her benefit. They are said for mine. If I was to say "I would have a hard time stopping completely" that is more true and no more a failure. IN fact it is a success since I am embracing the truth. I do enjoy smoking up. So it would be hard to give it up altogether. Is there anything wrong with that. NO If you LOVED swimming as your pass time you would not want to NEVER do it again.
But when I am sitting there on say a Saturday afternoon, looking at a house that needs obvious work, and saying I will do it in a hour, for 6 and a half hours, that’s just stupid.
I need to realign. Realize that not every moment can be FUN and GAMES. I need to get more serious. I always compare myself to a friend whom seems to have it together but also smokes weed and parties. But you know what. I offered him a joint last weekend and he said "No, I have all kinds of stuff to do tomorrow" I replied, "That’s tomorrow dude" and thought he daft.
You know what. I bet his stuff got done. You know what else. I smoked that joint. I did not get the stuff I wanted to get done, done.
It's all pretty clear. And for the last couple days so is my head. And I am ALOT better for it.
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