Thursday, December 29, 2005

Hmmm That seems about right.


How evil are you?


The only thing I disagree with is their spelling of decision.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Going strong.

So busy me.  Just sit and work keep mind in frame.  In check.   No mistakes.  No.  

So onwards.  Obey. A new day.  Another 9 dollars.  Black lungs brown.  Love is in the air.  The other side smells so sweet.

Sleep in tomorrow.

Monday, December 19, 2005

So I have decided to stop trying to get cancer

I am so sick of trying to get cancer.  It is really hard.   You have to do a lot of horrible things.  I really don’t understand how cancer is such a big problem.  If getting it doesn’t kill you it sure will.  So I give up.  Beautiful cancer, go infect someone else and quit teasing me with your closeness.

Jesus.  Smoking is gross.  Spit spit.  But you know what?  I kinda want one right now.  Shhhh don’t tell anyone.

Quit.  The end.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The party

The dust was rising in the West.  Enhancing the reds in the sky from the setting sun.   Light being striped of all blue.  The car with a beat, the beat of the snakes on the pavement made after covering countless cracks in the parched asphalt.  The house was on the horizon.  ‘Finally’ the male occupant blurted.  She came back with a mere ‘Yes’ said through a throat long since silenced.  The blur of the lines now dashed from the reduction in speed.  

“Where are we going?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” She replied
“Yes”

The distance between them and the house.  How he knew his destination but not his destiny we wont know.  But here they were pulling into the driveway of a somewhere in America colonial home.  Two stories, a wrap around front porch.  All a little run down.  A lot of cars, probably 60 or more.  ‘It looks like a party’

There are some people on the patio all never before been seen.  All wearing clothes better suited for a club then this dusty setting.  The sun is still above the horizon, but just barely.  Inside the house is dirtier than out.  There is people everywhere still just faces no personality.  She is gone, trickled off into the crowd.  Never saw her leave his side.  
A place to sit that’s all he needs.  Then a drink appears in his hand.  It’s source completely unknown.  If I am going to sit I may as well do it drunk.  So he downs the icy burn.  Another drink.  Or was the last refilled.  Again no apparent force.  A mattress, why he chose this he will never know but on it he sits.  A thin woman leans over, was she there before?  ‘Let’s get out of here.’

“Who are you?”
“Does it matter?” the skeleton breaths.
“Of course it does.”

Next the sun is gone it is dark, though the light has been replaced somewhat by Christmas strings and brown lighted bulbs.  The skinny girl over his shoulder, but she is straight as a board, not unlike a tree bound in twine.  Into my car.  The drivers seat?  Why does she need to drive.  Drunk. That must be it.  

The road again.  Was I there all night?  The sun is rising.  And where is she?  I miss her.  His neighborhood comes into view.  The trip maybe a tenth of the one before it.  Was it magic or some unknown route that had not been taken?  Or was it simply that familiar feeling of coming and going and their apparent time differences.

“Why are we here?”
“Quiet…”
“No I want to go back, my girl is back there.”
“Don’t worry I will bring her home when they are done.”

“Who…” but before the question could escape there was a rapid flash of the memories before.  He saw her; she was talking to a man.  A man with arms like a walrus, holsters but no gun.  Did she know him?  ‘I did not’

“Take me back.”
“No, you see Derek is my brother, he knew he would never get anywhere with you there.”  
“Get anywhere?”
“I am helping him out see.”

The conversation was surely over.  No debate.  So He flung himself from the car.  To fast.  Never saw it coming.  Death is strange.   The trip back to the party was even shorter this time.  Seconds.  

There she is, she is struggling against his hold.  But she continues to kiss him.  On the mouth, hers open his almost buried in hers.  She is like heroin, nobody that tastes he menstrum can defend themselves against it.  They become her slaves, even in their attempts to enslave and restrain.  She continues to struggle.  The soul floating above was invisible to her.  She is alone now.  It is up to her.  She finally breaks free and flees for a car.  Any car.  A bright red car.  And into the dust she tears.  

Safe now.  I can rest.

Fade to black with an echo of “My twin did not get in before I closed the door.”


despair.

You have got to be kidding....


Dreamy Romeo Adeptly Giving Kisses and Orgasms

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Never believe what you see… even live.

Real-time Graphics

This tech is insane.  You can see there is a huge propaganda and military application to such technology.  You know if the commercial market has access to this the military has already begun exploiting it.  Imagine the possibilities.  

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Banana Terracotta Pie


So I saw this bug today.  He was sitting on my lamp.  I said.  “Hey little bug do you need some light?” He would have obviously nodded enthusiastically if his head had been independent from the rest of his body, so I turned on the lamp.    He sat there for a few minutes basking in the glory of the light.  Then he fell off the lamp. And landed on his back with his legs folded across his little chest.  I was startled so a yelled “Bug” which gave the people in the next cubicles quite the fright.  The bug did not move.  I got very concerned that the little bug did not realize how hot the lamp gets and had killed himself by nodding yes to my initial question.  So I called him a stupid bug and squished him with the nubby eraser o0n my pencil which by the way is covered in British flags.

Long live the queen.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Sleep that steals.

Open my eyes, to face the day.
Not so bad, so bad I say.
I feel a hurt inside my head.
Of thoughts and feelings that can't be said.

I wish I could let dead dogs lie
Please believe me I always try.
But rise the do from there graves of leaves.
And enter this brain and then it thieves.

Sleep is my greatest foe.
From this state fear does flow.
Effects my life way to much,
And steals from me your gentle touch.

Am I ready to face this beast.
I damn well should be to say the least.
Time will tell, and show me free.
Please dear sleep let me be.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I have a feeling something’s fishy.

Seldom do I feel this knot in my stomach when nothing is amiss.  I have a great intuitive gland.  My brain lets me in on secrets inside others.  Brain matter is a funny thing.  A complex system of circuits and sensors designed to do nothing be fed stimuli and respond to it.

Brain waves are slightly radioactive and can be picked up from outside the cranium.  So my brain is obviously more sensitive to the activity than others because at times I can see through the sham and almost hear the inner dialogue contained.

"Hi Dragko"  Translates to. " I hope you die."

"It's cold eh?"  to "Your shirt is all baggy and gross and I think you look like a looser moron."

"Do you like this new shirt?"  to "I am extremely insecure and I hope by spinning this way my ass will look nice in your face, and then hopefully you will comment and I will turn and grab you and we will roll around on this chair until you are all sweaty and stuff."

You see what I mean all very simple.  Open up and you too will have this insane and wonderful power.

Friday, November 25, 2005

It’s freezing… sorta like a zombie

The hordes of darkness have descended upon our land which we call Vancouver.  It is really really cold.  I was just outside, and though the winds have blown away all the foggies there is a new found nemesis.  Arctic air.

Fuckeroony, it is colder than a zombie chicks clit when she is buried under a mass of snow.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Kate/a/blog: Ready to go

Ready to go

Read this great post regarding the choreographed ballet currently on stage in the G8UNSA. Check out my comment for my predictions.

Kate/A has a great mind and her writing is intelligent and worth a read.

Please check out her site.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Petty things, laundry lids and parking space

So our neighbor downstairs confronted sKerry today and accused her of "Opening the washing machine lid".  Now first off I will say we did not and have no reason to do such a silly thing.  The guy had a guest last night who was using our laundry to do her shitty smelling shorts.  This I had a slight problem with as we pay for the power and we are not a laundry mat.  But I decided the power usage was negligible and it seemed to be a one off thing so I would not pursue it.  Furthermore this fellow has paid only one installment of his bills since he moved in on July 1.  Do you really think there is any reason for him to accuse us of some sort of silly malicious intent in possibly opening his stupid stink laundry hole?

This is ridiculous.  I wanted to smash has ugly mug with a pair of wet levis.  You are kidding right? You had a crack head yelling and screaming in front of our house, and you want to accuse us of some stupid childish prank.  Maybe it was your crack head ex coming to try to steal your shitty clothes.  Or maybe it was your sister hoping to catch a wiff of your stank dank.  But what in the world would possess us to open the lid.  And even more of a question is why would you even worry yourself about it.  Close the lid laundry completes.

Oh and by the way we park to close to your door?  Ok we will try to move over a bit.  But have you noticed the broken down jalopy sitting unregistered in our driveway with trash in it?  Or what about the PILE of cigarette buts in the gravel beside that?  Give me a break buddy.  When you clean your act up come talk to us about ours!

Year end?? I got taged.

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Shared

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I could not take over the world. But it is my goal next year as well.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No… or… yes… Ummm was that this year?

4. Did anyone close to you die? The guy I was sitting next too slipped and fell on my knife.
5. What countries did you visit? Canada beautiful place I would love to go back tomorrow.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? In loveness returned.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 23 because it changed the way I look at my relationship.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being a big boy and letting others be human

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being more clear as to my feelings. And Smoking after 4 years quit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? You could say so.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My soul
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Mine I think.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Pissing boys.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? NIN concert.

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? All the love in the world – NIN

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Ummm happy in a different way but I think over all a bit more down but last year my happiness was based on unrealities.

18. Thinner or fatter? Fatter

19. What do you wish you'd done more of? Listening
20. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying

21. How will you be spending Christmas? Not up to me.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Again and Again

23. How many one night stands? One? Sorta?

24. What was your favourite TV programme? Don’t know… it is still X-files.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didnt hate this time last year? Yes passionately

26. What was the best book you read? Zombie survival guide

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? B flat

28. What did you want and get? The truth

29. What did you want and not get? In loveness back

30. What was your favourite film of this year? Not sure

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 27… ummm what did I do?? Oh nothing Party on Saturday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being the only one.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Dressy rockstar?

34. What kept you sane? I don’t think I was kept sane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Sherri Moon Zombie. (Currently)

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Umm Maybe the bombs blowing up all over the world.

37. Who did you miss? Myself.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Did I meet anyone…?

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. That you will always be competing.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “I just made you up to hurt myself.”

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Headache and a hard-on

I think I have a problem.  I have been extremely randy lately.  It is almost comical.  This morning I awoke to a pounding head and a few extra inches.  I literally wanted to go on a rampage of apocalyptic proportions.  

Rampage of consumption, and destruction.  My implement of said destruction?  My destroyer.

I think constantly having this phenomenon I might get the cancer, or worse the aids.  I get rid of the poison as soon as I can but it seems it just brims again less than a minute later.

I can do things that help, but think what would happen if I moved the skin on my arm around incessantly.  I think it would fall off.  I would hate to see that skin fall off.  

I am sure I could find a monkey to help me.  But that’s not what I want they are all hairy and smell like bum.  Can a man really live like this?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Piss off pissing boy

Disgrace.  
Your face.
Her taste,
My face.

You will leave now.
I don’t wanna feel you anymore
You are done now.
Your never welcome at my door.

Your words are thin
I’ve seen, hell I used ‘em before
Your desire her sin.
It will rot our solid core.

Piss off pissing boy
Piss off pissing boy
Your screen in my way
Piss off pissing boy
She can’t hear me say
Piss off pissing boy

Disgrace.  
Your face.
Her taste,
My face.

Piss off pissing boy
Piss off pissing boy
Your screen in my way
Piss off pissing boy
She can’t hear me say
Piss off pissing boy

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Defer your faults to the person on the left

So I had a meeting this morning that went down avenues that were not the most comforting.  Our test lead on our current project, whom is a wonderful man and is really trying to help our project proceed and be successful, got into a heated argument with the incompetent PM on the project.  It got more and more tense.  I felt like leaving but it is my obligation being the only one present from my team to represent.  So I listened as the PM took every criticism and attempted (poorly I will add) to defer the issue to another party.  Nothing has been her fault, although this project has been the most poorly managed and coordinated effort I have ever taken on in my 8 years in the field.  
What is wrong with people why cant they just own up to the mistakes that have been made and move on.  Why waste time pointing fingers when what is done is done, and there is nothing we can do.  

This project has been soooo much stress.  And is getting worse and worse.  What makes it worse is I find I have no one to talk to about it.  A. because I don’t want to bring home the stress to my already tense (at times) household, and B. because I can’t bring myself to speak of it anymore by the time I get relaxed  (About and hour after being home with my lovely family).

I am so sick of this shit it is not even funny.

Lets get on with it people.

Suck it up.

You suck.

Pukie

Rough night last night.  The Wynder was up since 4 sick.  Puke and puke.  She was just sitting outside our room puking, all over the floor.

Poor Wynder.

Poor us too.

Kisses

Monday, November 14, 2005

Stomach upsetness

Strange.  My stomach has been upset for a couple of days.  One of those gurgly bellies.  What am I anxious about?  Hmmm.

Freaks, your all freaks.

Friday, November 04, 2005

FFF-117a (Sorry for not being more present)


FFF is back in full frontal effect. This little ditty came up and boy it's a hottie. Slick, black, and elusive just how I like them.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

That shark can dance



Shit, I am learning this dance move.

Apparently I should dye my hair orange

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Twitch

The moon twitched in its place as the clouds surround and engulf its mass.
Fear summarizes the waves that pulse through the air.  
Everyone saw it, though no one will admit it.

Emotional discharge

There is an interesting symptom of the state of mind I have been in for few weeks.  I go to sleep ok relatively happy and feeling somewhat secure.  I wake up upset confused and insecure.  I know my brain has a tendency to feed me crap in my sleep.  I think this is the issue.  The strange part is I have no recollection of the torture it caused me.  This for me is odd I usually remember most of my evening, not mind the morning dreams.  I wonder sometimes if the issue is that I have stopped dreaming.  I wonder what the effect would be on a person who has spent there life dreaming and thinking through the night suddenly not doing so.  Could this cause this slightly empty feeling?  Or is it that I am having my usual Ego based dreams and forgetting them.

Or is it simply I go to bed in a euphoric state because I have the skin of my love beside me and I feel shitty leaving that warm comfortable place.

A number of things to think about.


Monday, October 24, 2005

Forced community awareness

I was standing in line with a colleague while they were buying their morning coffee.  The dealer, Starbucks.  We have a barista embedded in our building allowing our staff easy access to over priced under community compensated coffee.  I noticed a wonderfully formed advert for the social stance.  A beautifully composed photo of a unlabeled poor community with happy people running around.  This photo is intended to have us believe that these people where never happy until the extra 12 cents/ton started filling their pockets.  Under this photo a catchy slogan: As the leader in the Worldwide Coffee community, we must support….

Feel good.  The words community and support.   Aww thanks Starbucks.  Thanks a lot.

The word MUST is troubling.  Since Execs at SB have had their pockets lined with gold on the backs of the working men and women of the third world, should they not WANT to give a bit back.

I realized that Starbucks through this ad has given up on truly socially conscious people.  They are grasping at the lowest common denominator, the people who have heard a bit about corporation or have even possibly watched Corporation 101 (the corporation).

Feel good.  We are trying to help.  Fuck you.  You are trying to make millions by selling coffee that’s mediocre at best.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t live in that dream world where people should be sowing our own crops and living off beat juice and tofu, but don’t patronize me.

If a cup of your coffee costs $2.25 don’t go trying to make people think they are helping a community by drinking it.  If you were really worried about the low man on the totem pole you would not be able to sell that coffee for less than 5 bucks.  And you know what I would by a 5 dollar coffee if I knew that the rainforests were not depleting and people were not starving because of your fair trade.  

Friday, October 21, 2005

Captain Destructor Day

So here I am.  Walking through my day by 10 I had dealt with an idiot loan shark trying to get me to get a loan through this moronic company.  Poorly I will add.

By 11 I had possibly destroyed at least two relationships, both business, both personal.

By 1 I had dealt with a crack head yelling expletives at my partner, and having no way to protect her.

By two I dealt with the fact that through dealing with all this I have neglected the work I need to get done.

Plus un top of all that, I am involved in a project with a bunch of imbeciles that can't figure out that they made mistakes in the project that have cost us all valuable time.

I have decided today October 21, is Captain Destructor day.  Where will I be by the time the sun sets.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A big thank you

I thank everyone, for there concern and kind words.  I know that there has been some seriousness and weight on the blog as of late.  And I am sorry I could not be more forthcoming with information.  This is something between me and mine and I feel it best if people outside my immediate circle know very little as I would hate for people to judge and give opinions without the background required to make those valid.  

Again I thank everyone for the concern but I want everyone to know that there is a level of peace in my life I have not had for a while.  I am fine.  I will be fine.  And I will be back to myself in the very near future.  I know I have the love of so many people and I know everyone really cares.

All in love

Trevor

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Bread

The last few posts have been nothing but seriousness. Now onto lighter topics.

Bread.

I like bread. I don't remember the first time I had bread but I am sure I was like "Wow this stuff is good!"

I had some bread last night it was really good. I put a bit to much garlic in the butter which made me feel kind of ill but I got over it.

Bread is also a word for money. I also like money so you can say I like bread in both ways.

Jesus liked bread. He broke bread with his friends. I need to break more bread. Then I will have people in the future eating plastic bread in grand buildings devoted to me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Healing comes easier than first thought

I feel good today. Actually I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel relieved. Relieved to have found the source of my ANXIETY. Once an issues source is found it becomes easy to put that issue to rest.

I have found myself again. I know where I belong. I know what I need to do. That is better myself so I can be a valid partner. I need to quit blaming everyone for who I am and realize I am not bad so I need not blame anyone. You can only be beat down so far, and then you realize there is a ladder to climb up again. That ladder was fastened by my Angel. At first I felt unsure if I could trust that angel tied the knots hard enough. I though if she was willing to leave me in the hole now could she really be giving me a way out now? Well I took a chance. And now I am out. At the top I looked into her eyes and thanked her. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for showing me how strong I am and how strong we can be together.

So let this rest I say. Let it become a silly story. Let it become something we can look back on fondly and say. Remember that funny time when we thought we hated each other?

And then look at what we have achieved and say I am sure glad that is behind us.

Horizons.

BTW notice it is sunny today?

Monday, October 17, 2005

GABL day - US

Monday is GABL day according to sKerry.

This GABL is dedicated to us.

It all started one fucked up night. I had been feeling glum. A friend in an attempt to make me feel better asked me to come downtown to meet him and his Girl of the time for a drink.

I was saying no but finally he talked me into it. So I arrived at the Fox n' Firkin on Davie street. A place neither of us had been to much. I was sitting there wallowing in my sorrow and a glass of beer when I started that fate filled sentence.

"I don't know man I think I need a change. Something completely different. Something like..." A girl in a short pleated kilt like skirt with Fuscia hair walked by. "That." I finished.

I watched this angel (I have no other way of explaining her) sitting there laughing and hugging this fellow. Alas she appeared to be with someone. But for some reason that did not deter me. Just as I stood to go make contact she left the table. I don't know what compelled me. But I kept walking. I sat myself down at the table beside her supposed boyfriend and started my act. I sat conversing about tonight's happenings until I felt a little tug at the hair at the back of my head. I looked and who was it but the angel. Complete with a happy dance.

I still thought she was with this guy so I moved and gave her her seat. The group of us started to talk. And in turn I was invited to accompany them out to another club. I said my goodbyes to my friend and away I went. Little did I know how this chain of events would change my life.

Us. What I know about us.

I know us to be two of the most caring and loving people.

I know us to be fun loving.

I know us to be great talker and occasionally great listeners.

I know us to love walks together hand in hand.

I know us to be thinkers.

I know us to be a couple that lights a room.

I know us to be completely alike (to much so sometimes)

I know us to be strong.

I know us to be fragile.

I know us to be compatible in all ways.

I know us to love to hang out just the two of us.

I know us to love friends and that atmosphere.

I know we have a lot of people rooting for us.

I know we have a couple people rooting against us.

I know us to be easily hurt.

I know us to be people who WANT to work through all.

I know us to be responsive to others need.

I know us to have a beautiful little girl.

I know us to not be the best at staying on top of our mountain.

But most of all I know us to be just that. Us.

I love you Kerry. I love you more than I can tell you. I show you that in every time I look at you. Although you sometimes a bullheaded and don't see what is right in front of your eyes, you are nothing less than angelic. Your beauty physically mirrors your inner beauty. Your eyes are taps to my soul not mind yours.

I could not ask for a better soulmate to spend my life with in entirety.

XO

Julia - This song rings what I want to say

he's the one that always stands with a smile
She's pure and right and
Bathed in some kind of light
She's sicker than hell, but always feeling fine
The whole thing just makes me wanna cry

Hey hey Julia you're the closest thing to an angel
That I'll ever find
My friend Julia, she hasn't got a clue
But Julia always stays true

Tall as a mountain, but yet so fine
Her feet never touch ground
But that's all right
I don't understand what they're doing to her
I wanna scream she's not too good to be true

Every thing is gonna be fine
You're gonna be all right

Pain is unneccesary

When a person feels hurt the tendancy is to milk the wound. Thats crazy. If you had your throat slit would you keep poking the hole just to see how much blood you could loose and keep walking. No, you cover the wound you apply pressure and you never look back. The body heals much faster than the mind but the process is the same. Bleed, scab, repair, shed. In the end you may have a scar but even that fades with time.

Shit through the blades of an air movement device

Things have come to pass. The source of my anxiety has been found. My insecurities justified and my world shaken. I learnt something about myself yesterday. I am an understanding and forgiving person. I am a person who can look past pain and see the truth behind it.

I have been wronged. I have been wronged in the most decietful way. I was let down in ways that no human being should ever be let down. The sad thing is people will continue to let each other down in this way unil the end of time. This is nothing new. I just thought I had found something more true more real. I was shown the reality. Nothing can be true enough that you can let your gaurd down. Not for a second.

I forgive. That is my way. My way is also to try and forget, but I now see that will take time. Everytime I think I will be haunted with images and the words that were said. "Although he is a jerk..."

I will feel the sadness and pain again. I will relive my time alone just innocently wishing for my partner to return home so I could show her I was not the bad person she made me out to be. The person that didn't care, didn't listen, fucked around to much, was a no good pot head, and the JERK.

But now I see I am not that bad person, it was excuses. Excuses for selfishness. Excuses to make me feel bad and pick up her slack. I forgive her for that. I forgive her for the pain she is causeing me at this very moment.

I am not giving her another chance. I am giving myself another chance at being whole. This is my life. This is my love. This is who I am. This is what I have. If it is not enough. Go find your fill. Just leave me out of it. I am not a patsy. I am a genuine human being that has needs and desires. And the above all biggest need? Truth.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Daily review #2

Now I am aware these have not quite been daily, but I have got a few today worth mentioning.

"You look tired."

"You look terrible."

And my personal favorite.

"What happened?"

That one spells it out. Do I really look like something traumatic happened? My hair is a mess I have bags under my eyes and I smell of something.

Kafka. I heard your word last time so this time let try a bit nicer approach. :)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Hymn to the NARCS


The darkness was a comforting veil. streets lined with the usual yellow glow. The cedar bushes releasing the stench with there light dampening masses. There are shadows on every corner. The air cold with the first streams of autumn wind rustling the scabs on the trees about to be torn completely from the limbs.

Two men previously engaged in a brutal display of narcotic experimentation, strut. The heated arguments and engaging discussion long since had. Stories of despair told and heard. But not quite understood as far as origins. "It kind of gets annoying to constantly here about 'those' days."

"What?" Understood inwardly. There is a terrible sin in ones past. Not the action but the reliving it. Over and Over. Cars on the road should long since been stalled. Others up to no good. The man getting in his van. Poor soul. Work on a Sunday? Four in the morning? Or is it more sinister. The mistress lays sleeping, after the husbands "long day at work". Wife at home, kids in bed. Nothing is wrong with this picture. Right?

"My shoes are getting wet."
"Quit being a baby."

Little did he think of the of the others previous statement. "I don't like wet socks." Turned away as a useless phobia. "Ridiculous."

The house door banging on it's hinges after every return for just one more. Than the walks. Incessant. Two men. One drug.

Who is this person I see in the mirror? He looks tired.

I have been complaining a lot in the last few years about chronic fatigue. Everyday I wake and feel no more rested than the night before. I look at my diet, not great. I look at my exercise regime, non-existent. I look at my stress level, high. I look at my happiness, not always.

All this are possible triggers for how I feel. I need to get over the hump. It is one of those classic catch 22 things. I need the energy to go out and exercise but the lack of exercise is the reason for my tiredness. I need to cook more and take lunches more. But I rarely feel like cooking. I need to be more happy and less stressed, but it is the lack of exercise that's got me down.

It is so difficult, but that is no cop-out. I am going to do it. Starting now.

Friday, October 07, 2005

I have had this running through my skull

"Exhibit Of The Year"

Where were you when I said
"You remind me of a portrait in a dream"?
So I'll say, "Cry, but your watercolors fade,
This ain't science baby, it's called creativity."

If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right,
If I move my hands right would you see yourself disappear?
If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right.

I wash my filthy hands off,
As your watercolors stain my fingers red and black.
So, take my brushes off your portrait of a face
'Cause I will paint your smile into obscurity.

If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right,
If I move my hands right would you see yourself disappear?
If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right.

Fill lips with black lines,
Darken your smile.
Layer paint upon paint until the words dry dead.

Deep in your mouth, a desert's dry air.
Layer pain upon paint like you were never there.

Will you see yourself disappear?
Will you see yourself disappear
(Like you were never there)?
Will you see yourself disappear
(Like you were never there)?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Daily review

You look horrible

That’s my review today.  Every morning I have a plethora of people come to my desk and snicker and give me a review on my current state.  Two today.  Horrible and sketchy.  That’s nice.  I am glad I can bring to the workplace a feeling of such.  I feel ruff but horrible is a gross overstatement.  

So my new feature Daily review.

I will keep you posted.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Ending it all

There is beginnings and ends. You come into this world magnificent but insignificant. You do not for at least your first five years put ANYTHING into society but joy. We all need to go out the same way we came in.

Tuesday.

Return of the lappy

I am overjoyed. My clunker lappy is out with the dust off. For a year or so I have been unable to use her since her power supply failed. As I browsed the web with her for the last time and watched her battery meter drain I shed a tear or too. Your old girl, it will be painless, as her screen went black. Well after much surfing on the internet (ebay) I found a priced right power supply and out of chance that was the problem I purchased it. And in fact it was the problem. While type this I watch her life force returning 64% she says.

I apologize lappy for leaving you for dead but when you are talking of a ten year old lappy you can’t be spending much to keep her going.

Until death do us part.

Monday, September 26, 2005

A 9" night

Today is the big show.  I have been waiting for a couple years and now the master of industrial returns to Vancouver.

"With teeth," is Trent's 19th entry into his Halo body of work.  This album refreshed his direction.  The fragile found a more traditional musical style which in my opinion revolutionized his sound.  Now he rings in with a album that pushes that envelope wide and brings back a familiar feel to his new style.  

So I wait in anticipation to see the new show.  He is a great performer and it will undoubtedly be memorable.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How to be a good spy

Spy 101
Ok so I have done my course.  I am a spy now.  I followed the instructions and collected all the necessary equipment.  Now I need a mission.  Where do you get spy missions?  Is there a phone number you can call.  I looked in all of my comic books and although there are ads for spy glasses, there is no missions.  

I am really discouraged by this.  

Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday Blues

Why do I do this to myself.  Why do I fear.  Why can't I just listen to the words I hear.  Where is the source of this innate insecurity.  When will I believe feelings of purity.

I stop and look around.  The house makes no sound.  The road outside vibrates with small minds.  Block rather pathetically with my venetian blinds.

I need to feel the warmth.  I need it last night.  Coldness shivers sickness.  There was no fight.  I fear what I don't hear.  And what I read makes me ill.  I wish there was a solution, but I am glad there is no pill.

Some silly words detailing my morning.

More later.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Our childrens minds are numbed.

The other night I was out on a walk with media samurai. We stopped in at the local 7-Eleven for a drink and munchies. While waiting in line we noticed these two young girls of 11 or so standing behind us. They were giggling as children should. They were buying candy and junk for their apparent last sleepover of the summer. Back to the books.

They began oogling. No, not us! A rack of small vials on the counter labeled simply "Power Shot". These tiny containers of multicolored fluid are situated as an impulse buy, not immediately or apparently marketed to children, until you see the small comparison graph on the front. It is detailing the caffeine content graphically comparing Cola, Jolt, Tea, and Coffee. This one ounce bottle had at least ten times the caffeine content as any of them.

The girls each grabbed their favorite color. They then proceeded to ask the sales clerk, "Do you have to 18 to buy these." Saying this implies their thought that there may be regulations regarding the use of such a product, so in turn showing there knowledge of possible harm. Since there was no regulation the sales lady says simply "No there isn't, I don't care, as long as you have money I will sell it to you."

Now, these girls where obviously going to use it as more of a mood enhancement product rather, then its (supposed) intended use (making you more alert). So being our nosey selves MS pipes in "Are you not concerned of what you are putting in you body?" And almost over this they said, "We don't care." with an embarrassed chuckle.

Right there three people actually uttered the words "I don't care" regarding their own or fellow mans health. I can honestly say I am angered they were able to purchase this product. Not because the product should not be. But because their behavior showed an interest in the possible legalities surrounding the purchase and therefore shows there disregard of common sense for a more, if I am ALLOWED to eat it, it must not be poison attitude.

Those children are heading to a world of High school where they will be offered all types of mood enhancers. There is no one there to say they are not allowed.

It is not a problem to consume various things, but to no CARE what it does to you, is a horrible place.Care in yourself and keep yourself safe. In the end you can really only count on Numero uno.

Then again, the circle continues.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

'Blynk' the involuntary response.


Cuties.
Originally uploaded by dragko.
Blynk, also known as Deloris-9 is really coming along as a great companion. Now that shit on the rug is no longer a daily experience and she is free to roam the house somewhat unsupervised, she has really started to show her personality. A fun loving little pup with a great spirit and a heart for play. She has her slow times and will now retire on her own to her 'den' a 2 by 3 cage with a little puppy bed inside.

Her and A have really become honest friends and our little family is beginning to fit together much better.

Spychmth, the alien cat, is still a asshole to her but they are a lot better together. So that said lets all go play.

Strawberry Fields.

This is my 3 year old little girl.

She is a superstar.

this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, September 09, 2005

Public display of infection

People want to belong.  That much we can be sure.  Occasionally, people find glee in their individuality.  Though I must say, even that creative use of the human experience is in it's own right, a stride to conform.

One day someone somewhere shaved their heads leaving only a small strip down the center of his head.  Then he spiked it up! So birthing the Mohawk, supposedly a monument to rebellion and individualism.  I saw three this morning on my way to work.

Each of those people who wore them had one thing in common.  The darty looks and forced swagger of a scared being.  These are not rebels, these are not individuals.  These people want to belong so much, to that norm, they try to laugh at it.

You teased the girl in school you liked the most.  You avoid the eyes of that passerby you feel attracted too, it is human nature to deny yourself of your dreams.  That allows you to be the victim.  The one in control in a world of chaos.

Stand up.  Straighten your clothes.  Take of that stupid  hat, and dance if you want to.

FFF - Latex Fetish

Todays's entry is a bit more risque.
Fetish fetish... who's got a fetish?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Maniacal laughter

I need to work on my maniacal laughter a bit.  You see I really want to take over the world but I have thought…  ‘What if I did take over the world, how could I show my face in public if I could not even have a horrendous chuckle about the whole thing.’  I mean picture it.  I am standing there atop my grand tower, on a podium fifty feet tall.  I pick up the mic and yell.  “The world is mine!” and then silence.  

Not very good is it.

Like I said I need to work on that.

Friday, September 02, 2005

FFF - Full frontal Friday's

This is my newest contribution to FFF.

This old house

I just recollected a past adventure. When I was around 16-17 I lived in a small Northern BC town called Fort St. John. I was out with friends doing what we did best, getting into mischief.

We had been up at one of our places of refuge, Fish Creek area. There was an old abandoned house that we had seen a number of times and commented it looked like a mass murderer lived there. We decided on this evening to investigate. We clambered under the rotten wooden and barbed wire fusion fence and trekked across the small field which the house resided on. The front porch was almost completely rotted through so carefully we climbed the steps and came to the front door. There was a pad lock holding the door shut. It turned out to be unlocked so we removed it and pushed the door open.

Inside the main entry was painted a bright sky blue which in contrast to the rotten wood outside was in pretty good shape. There in the doorway was a band saw. I laughed and joked that this was how the murderer cut his victims limbs off. But then my friend noticed a puddle of black or brown sticky goop. Right away our mind started to run. We moved into the Living area of the house to find what looked to be a couch or love seat constructed from old wood and leather. Our heads said" "skin". On the wall was a beautiful bronze sun that accented the still sky blue walls.

"These people have taste" I exclaimed.

We made our way towards the back of the house, there was a kitchen, or what was left of one. All the fixtures where bare having long since removed the sink and counters to replace them with other various power tools. Then it dawned on us since there are power tools ther must be power. Trying all the lights we found them all to be long since burnt out and with dusk approaching fast we needed to resort to flashlights. We continued towards the back where a door should have been but it appeared the current, or some past owner, had boarded them up. So we turned and started back towards the front. My light caught a crack in the wall and upon investigating a found a door. Opening it we saw it lead to the cellar. No one would go down. The stairs were short so I ventured down them. The floor was dirt and there were large puddles of water everywhere the walls were also dirt with rocks embedded in them for support. There was a shovel in the corner and a pile of dirt the look unmistakably like a shallow grave.

Needless to say I flipped out . Out I came like a bullet from a gun saying "Do not go down there." My friends excitingly asked "What was down there, what did you see." I told them and one of the girls that were with us said it was time to leave. Acting tuff I said "Not before we find the upstairs".

Back in the living room we saw what we were looking for a very small and steep set of stairs to the upper floor. I accented first of course. Upon getting to the top it turned out the upstairs was more like an attic with the sloped roofs, though it had been cut into three or four rooms. The main room which was possibly the master bedroom was bare except for a single box in the middle of the room. I went to go see what was in the box but as soon as I entered the room and tried the light (which in fact worked) a small musical box type song began to play. Now right there you are probably stopping and either saying bull shit, or get the fuck out of there. But it's true. Upon hearing the song I retreated from the room at first thinking it was some sot of alarm. The music stopped instantly. So I again ventured in. No more than on step over the threshold the music started again. And so again I stepped back. Silence.

We where at this point thoroughly terrified but most of the boys were trying to hide it. So I told my buddy to look once I was in the room for the source of the music. We discovered behind a couple of unhinged doors lying against a wall one of these cheesy musical cards. Why it was playing when I entered that room we may never know, though my explanation would the floor shifted just enough to open the card a bit. So upon discovering that the music was not emanating from the plains of the lost souls I felt confident in opening the box. Inside, you guessed it 20 - 50 silly hats. Everything from those battery operate clapping hats to a Black hat with a mourning veil. I put one on and walked out. We all laughed and our fear level decreased.

We continued exploring the upstairs and discovered 3 old school desks. The kind where there are four desks joined together with the lifting desktops and ink wells. Did this person teach the locals or something? The thought of 12 students sitting in this tiny space brought a chuckle. Just behind the desks there was a bathroom. I climbed over the bathroom and my friends followed. The floor was really rotten so I stopped my friends from coming for fear we would fall through. Me and a buddy opened the medicine cabinet and inside as a dead cockroach, which does not seem to strange except they are not native to the area. But besides the roach, I discovered a huge stack of pictures of little kids. Now these weren't old photo's that could have been of the student's no these were somewhat current school photos and pictures of kids playing in parks. Right there my spidey senses FLEW off the handle, and I said "Lets get the hell out of here."

With me being the calm one up until this point my fear instantly thought the entire group into hysteria. We ran like we have never ran out the door and into the now pitch black of night. None of us looked back until we got to the car. When we got there we were down one person. "Where is J?"

We never found him. We waited for ever and he never came. We were very scared at that point so we went home. That night we got a call from J. He had been captured by the owner of the house and arrested for trespassing. We had all thought he was dead so we ran, which I now feel bad about, what if he was hurt. But anyway we all had to attend court as witnesses but our friend took the fall saying we did not go in and he was the only one. He ended up not being convicted being so young, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Listen to your instincts. And go scarey places it's fun.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Power to the crows


DSC03757
Originally uploaded by digi_.
There are a plethora of crows in my neighborhood, as with almost everywhere. I watch them hopping around on the road picking at the nights casualties. Squirrels that could not make the run from curb to curb or the family cat the was startled by the sound of a inhuman fart coming from the old man with indigestion.

They seem generally un-phased by the 2500+ pounds of steal hurtling at them at breakneck speeds, merely hop hop hopping out of their lines. It got me thinking, crows are some of the smartest birds in the world, and I think they have made the decision to live amongst the enemy, man. I see them as the protestants that live amounts the Catholics or the Muslims in Jewish territories. Although they are outnumbered, out gunned, and out squish factored they adapt and continue to thrive.

It seems crows adaptive qualities have ensured there continued survival. Until the day that the bald eagle gets over itself and loses it's pride it is sure to extinctive. Living in a human dominated planet means using the strongest force to buff you strength, without doing this you have ensured you will eventually be gone.

So I began thinking what will our world look like after such selection completes its course. Crows, pigeons and Squirrels. Seagulls, raccoons, and skunks.

This is not natural selection anymore, it has become human selection. We decide which animals grace our city streets. You don't see bears in downtown Vancouver, not because they could not adapt but because humans would never let that happen. No we push them into the projects. Small slices of habitat "protected" to ensure the continuance of the bear, wolf and tiger populations. These spans over populated and homes and dens becoming a resource that is in demand ending in violence.

The animal kingdom is quickly becoming like Gaza Strips. Small pieces of land completely surrounded by hostile forces. If the animals are to leave them and are deemed "dangerous" they will be arrested and pushed back in, or worse, killed if any anger at the current situation is displayed. I see a beautiful world where humans live within nature, not without it. Where humans and bears coexist, not because natural tendencies have been stifled but because understanding and love is the man objective. We can learn alot from what we have done to the animal kingdom, a now collapsed empire living of the feces of ours.

Let the animals in and in turn let them be truly free. And once that happens, maybe, just maybe, we will see the light and let our brothers come over the walls we build and embrace their people, culture, and diversity.

Once that happens there is no reason for war and strife. Just love.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

The boat sunk.


IMG_1574
Originally uploaded by dragko.
I am crabby... I have been crabby for 3 days. What's wrong? I am all stiff and sore, and don't really want to talk to anyone. I am irritable and short fused.

What could be wrong. Maybe I have a touch of the flu. I am feeling ill from time to time. Maybe that’s the cause. So because of this I am going to post a picture of a dead couple. Maybe that will help my mood.

Meet Robert and Isabella Henderson, they have a wonderful headstone gracing their plot. I have to wonder if they get any visitors. I would think not since Robert passed away in 1916 and his wife in 1940. I said hello to them, I bet they appreciated the greeting. I sometimes think about Robert when I feel blue. He lived in some tough times and he made it to the ripe old age of 76. If he can do it so can I...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Seven - The deadly sins

I was tagged by a jerk, or at least I think she meant me, she spelt me name wrong. Nothing here is VERY interesting at all.
Seven:
things on my desk...

  1. A wooden man wearing a tie and hardhat and operating a miniature version of beaker.
  2. Two bendy plush snakes engaging in unspeakable acts.
  3. A Helcat records promotional poster
  4. A printed cover of the "never actually printed" magazine "Popular Mullets"
  5. A Styrofoam egg
  6. A picture of me and my boss actually liking each other
  7. 1972 electric pencil sharpener

things I say to much...

  1. Give or take a few
  2. Somewhat
  3. In reality...
  4. That being said...
  5. Sorry
  6. are you pissed at me?
  7. I am never drinking again

things not many people know about me...

  1. I was in speed skating for 8 years
  2. I tried to form a band called "A boy and his pickle", at the time none of us even knew any instruments.
  3. I am not as strange as everyone thinks
  4. I went on a date with Corrina... Can we call it that? (She did beat me up in Teken.)
  5. I am a StarWars nerd... (and a recovering Star Trek Nerd)
  6. I once ate two or three pounds of sours... I got violently ill and did not eat them for 10 years
  7. I am allergic to horses.

And as always with me... I fufill my obligation to post on a tag but quickly halt it... NO TAGS FROM ME.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Not so FFF #2


This little lady is not quite as full as some would hope.... But come on guys she is a dolly and not real. No women where harmed in the production of this photo.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Lost Them Sandalias


Lost Them Sandalias
Originally uploaded by Film.Guy.
This guy (film guy) takes some of the most beautiful pictures I have ever seen. If I could live up to even a tenth of this guys skill... I would be happy.

Check out his photo's you won't be disappointed, nay inspired.

Can you see darkness?


2005-06-18 22-28-08_0048_resize
Originally uploaded by dragko
Evil? Possessed?

Or is it simply a trick of the camera. We may never know.

I think that the moon lights the sun.

Reality is what you make it. Let the darkness envelop yourself and truly feel individualism.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Intensity vs. Fall-off (with a bit of discipline)

Ideas. They are easy to come up with. A creative mind is constantly forming simple ideas. Of these ideas some are extreme others bland but overall the majority are usable ideas. The problem rests in the fact that a creative mind is stimulated be the creation process but possibly not the planning and execution phase. This takes discipline. Lots of creative thinkers possess this diciplin but alas not all. So in turn many ideas fall through the cracks lost forever, or until another more disciplined thinker gets a hold of them.

I have this problem. I work within a VERY creative team which at this point has not shown a lot of discipline. We come up with ideas (some of which are brilliant) and we think about them for a time get excited and then at some unspecified time we fall-off. No one to blame but ourselves.

I want to work on my discipline. This lack of discipline is the root cause of 95% of my issues in life. Do I need boot camp? Martial arts? Or is it simply learning disciplinary skills on my own. I don't think I am disciplined enough to do it alone.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Blogs self schadenfreude?

When reading random blogs I notice a trend. I am not talking about the countless advertisement blogs that I am sure don't amount to alot of revenue, no I am talking about the despair. It seems a lot of bloggers are writing to share there torment. I understand the need to speak ones mind, and open up about horrible events to some how ease the pain. But there seems to be masses of depressed individuals who almost take pride in their misfortune. Is this a strange self schadenfreude? Or is it a case of one hard luck person hoping for a stream of condolences?

In my life I have had a few horrible events, nothing earth shattering, nor worth telling you about now. I did talk to people about them, a lot. But that was not a part of my healing.

That part was, still the pain body and loving the release and sympathy for its horrid and controlling state. It was not until I quit talking (dwelling) on the problem or event that I truly moved on.

Self worth is directly connected to your outlook on life. If you do not value your life, and I don't mean your pain body, I mean your life. The "you", the person inside, how could you ever feel worth something, and in turn have others feel you are worth something. Pain decreases your "value" and the dwelling, talking, and blogging about how you "tried" to kill yourself will not make your problems disappear. It will only force your pain body to the surface where

BlogShare — Check it out

Everyone needs to check out BlogShares it is a fantasy stockmarket based on blogs. The Value of you blogs is decided by the amount of incoming links to your blog. I am currently valued at over 2000B$. That is alot higher than Media Samurai's :One more drone added to the noise and the lovely sKerry's WHAcked in the TITty, but still beat by the infamously insane Corrina's If spock is enough with an impressive 18,000+. Check this site out and then link to my blog from yours and if you hold stocks in my blog watch the prices soar.

It's addictive and an interesting way to look at your blog and the readership it has.

For now...the word is destroydead

Friday, August 19, 2005

Full Frontal Friday

Corrina, AKA Gus Greeper of "If spock is enough" fame, brought the Antibloger's Full frontal Friday to my attention. I think I will jump on the band wagon with this.



Now I realize this is not FULL frontal.... but all the important bits are accounted for. Does it count... Or should I start fragments of frontal friday?

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The ceremony shed some light.

What a wonderful day. The wedding I was attending went off splendid.

Also I found out some interesting news. I was in fact not in a fist fight but more of a one ended assault with a healthy bout of self defense. Turns out the t. was not as big a shit-head as once believed.

I have bruises all over I hurt and I think I am about the complete write off a friend who has anger management problems and can't deal with a loud mouth like me. If you do something stupid I will tell you. Please however do not assault me, I by no means intended violence and had I know it would come to that I would come prepared not a screwed up mess on the floor of a bus.

So there.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Home is definitely where the heart is.

I am in Calgary this week. I had a wonderfully drive down here for the first 11 hours. I took 'the scenic route' never realizing that tacked on 3-4 hours. So I slept in the car on the side of the highway in banff and suffocated the first 2 hours and froze the next 2 and I was back on the highway for the final stretch.

I had driven so far looking for a safe place to pull off the highway that did not have a "No overnight parking" (idiots) sign.

I enjoyed my first couple days seeing old friend and walking to my own rhythm. Then came STAG night. It was meant to be paintball with the boys and drinks afterwards then to meet the girls and dance into the wee hours.

NOPE not for me, that's not what I did. I grabbed a 26 of rum and from what I understand polish off 1/2 of it before we get to paintball. I pass out. I wake up after paintball. I am FUBAR. I look at myself I am a total mess. I am bleeding and bruised and have pussy written across my stomach in jiffy.

I have been told Chad (an old friend) and I got in a first fight. I got beat up and everyone is pissed. I apologize? Yes what a horrible thing to do on your buddies stag. I got out of control. I tend to sit here and beat myself up about it. Feel bad and all that. But I realize its drinking the way I do that is to blame. I drink straight. I drink from the bottle if I want and I get drunk.

So that being said no more rum for a long while. And I am sorry Steve and Amy for messing up what could have been a rad night.

So here I sit awaiting the wedding. So I can get the hell outta here go back to where I am safe and secure. At home witht the two coolest people in the world. sKerry and Windy, I will see you soon.

Love me-

Friday, August 05, 2005

Lunch Lady Land


Every place of work that has it's own kitchen (cafeteria style) has a lunch lady. Now until recently we here at my office had not inherited a true lunch lady.

We now are the proud owner.

Before we had various standard service area persons. From the grumpy, bitchy, lady to the man you can't understand what is coming out of their mouth. All these people with bones to pick and getting frustrated over the world idiocy because the forgot to grab the garlic bread and would now like it as an after thought, or you were only to have a small coffee with the special and it is not worth my time to add the extra cents so I will let you go this time but not without a look of disgust!

But now we wait no longer our lunch lady has arrived.

I will start with a brief physical description.

She is an older lady possibly in her 70's, but more likely in her late 50's or early 60's but has smoked for 45 of those making her look 20 year older. She stands and walks with her knees bent a bit of a sway back topped of with a hunch. Really her stature is sort of like a cobra.

She greets me EVERYTIME with Maamm. Now the first few times I corrected her and said "sir." but she did not apologize or say anything just moved on like I was telling tales. So now I just take the gender flub and forget it. (Sometimes I answer in valley girl tone)

Here is a breakdown of ordering.

LL: What can I get you maam?

me: Can I get the perogies with the Yam's and Mushrooms.

ll: Is that to stay or to go?

me: For here (although I go I don't like the Styrofoam)

She grabs a plate and walks over to the side dishes.

ll: Do you want and veggies?

me: Yes Yams and the roasted Mushrooms please.

She proceeds to put one small piece of yam dead center in the plate and surrounds it with a HUGE and I mean huge two or three spoons of Mushroom. Enough for 4 people. The plate is now full.

ll: And what entree would out like maam?

me (to self): did she say out in that sentence?

At this point I decide it was pointless to ask the initial "What can I get you Maam" as she has either forgotten during the decision for eat in or out.

me: The perogies please

4 perogies carefully counted out with a spoon the size of my leg the mashed with the lack of dexterity that comes with a tool of its size.

I now have a little pile of mashed potatoes with the perogie skins on the side.

ll: Would you like Onions and sauerkraut... er sour... sour kraut? ...er Sour?? Cream .. Sour cream and sour kraut? no Onions. Sour cream and onions?

me: Yes please.

ll: You would like them?

me: Yes but please no Sour kraut.

She looks at me like I am stupid and says:

LL: we don't have any sour kraut sir. (She proves she knows my gender)

Finally she goes for the onions. PLOP literally two large cooking onions on top. and a table spoon of sour cream.

She hands me the plate....

me: Don't I get a sausage with that? (like I need it)

Looks at me like I am stupid or insane and

LL: YES maam...

And uses her hand and picks up a sausage. (now the interesting part I noticed is she did not even use the tips of her fingers like you would think. No, she palmed the fucker. FULL GRIP)

And drops it like a fucking cherry on the top of this horrific pile.

My plate was 8 inches deep at the center.

By the time I found my poor little yam it was covered with so much crap it no longer looks appetizing at all.

Gross.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Before the War, CIA Reportedly Trained a Team of Iraqis to Aid U.S.

Before the War, CIA Reportedly Trained a Team of Iraqis to Aid U.S.

Interesting that all through history MI6, the CIA, mossad, and all the worlds intelligence agencies are notorious for creating double agents.

This leaves the biggest holes in security you could possibly make.

Double agents quickly become triple agents.

More money more info. It is like putting your trust in a rapest on a deserted island.

But seriously...

It is hard to face the truth. It is hard to look deep into your being and say, I am not as innocent as I play. I am not the victim, I am the perpetrator.

It takes courage to step up to that plate, and confess your unstableness. To twist your eyes around in their sockets and look yourself deep in the soul and say "Why?"

Why do you continue to pretend. Why do you feel merely saying your better makes you better.

Self enlightenment and repair takes time, energy, but most of all action.

A smoker who says I ill quit after this pack is merely making themselves feel more secure about smoking that pack. The mind questions the act, and the ego defends it.

Same goes for a lot of things in life.

If your girlfriend is pissed at you for being late to pick her up for the movies, it is not solved by making her believe you were stuck in traffic, rather than having "one more" with the boys. Although the anger goes away but that is replaced by a lie. Lies build. You have heard that. Now think about it.

I realized I was doing this sort of thing on a regular basis. I blamed it on the fact that my partner was "too controlling" or "Looking for things that are wrong".

I wasn't being flat out untruthful just bending truths to further myself. It all sounds horrible, i know, but each little fib or story is not bad, not big, not some drama, but the whole thing all amalgamating into a great deceit. And that becomes horrible.

The untruths like "I could stop smoking weed anytime" don't start with my partner. They are not said for her benefit. They are said for mine. If I was to say "I would have a hard time stopping completely" that is more true and no more a failure. IN fact it is a success since I am embracing the truth. I do enjoy smoking up. So it would be hard to give it up altogether. Is there anything wrong with that. NO If you LOVED swimming as your pass time you would not want to NEVER do it again.

But when I am sitting there on say a Saturday afternoon, looking at a house that needs obvious work, and saying I will do it in a hour, for 6 and a half hours, that’s just stupid.

I need to realign. Realize that not every moment can be FUN and GAMES. I need to get more serious. I always compare myself to a friend whom seems to have it together but also smokes weed and parties. But you know what. I offered him a joint last weekend and he said "No, I have all kinds of stuff to do tomorrow" I replied, "That’s tomorrow dude" and thought he daft.

You know what. I bet his stuff got done. You know what else. I smoked that joint. I did not get the stuff I wanted to get done, done.

It's all pretty clear. And for the last couple days so is my head. And I am ALOT better for it.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Pentagon bans use of anonymous quotes in press releases

I can't really believe Anonymity should ever be a government protocol. Accountability is demanded.

Pentagon bans use of anonymous quotes in press releases

Monday, August 01, 2005

Home Coming

My little one is home from Italy. I missed her more than I even thought cause when I first saw her I was surprised at the feelings I had.

Inner smile is what I will call it.

She is the best. A little best come off the rest of the best.

My family does not seem so messy.

Could a three year old acctually bring order to a chaotic household?

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Anxiety.

I need to relax. Move into my happy place. Systems all fucked up. A ball in the back of my throat. I know not what awaits, but dread the worst. I will go down valiently in one last move in a deadly game. There will always be only loosers in a battle of which forthcomes.

Smile tomorow about your triumph today.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

What great PSA

This notice is supposedly posted at many if not all subway stations in London.



I can't imagine our Translink guys could seriously use the words "look a bit foreign".

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

This is not a test.

In my travels around blogger, I have noticed that a lot of people sit with their blogs in a sorry state. I am not saying mine is incredible
but come on, leaving your links with nothing more than a bunch of links saying edit me?


What about test posts why do people start their blogging with a test post. I tested that's for sure but I deleted. Your first post is always a difficult one "What to say?" A great example of this is the Matt Kennedy show. Matt ask me and I will help. I will make your link area work. You must have SOMETHING interesting to put there.

Anyway I needed a rant I guess, and there it was.

Out-

Kate/A/blog: Troop Support

This Lady is a great political writer. Check her stuff out. Below is a link to a recent article I liked with a clipping.

Troop Support

I began a recent examination of the "support our troops" jingo after reading an article from Townhall, The Left doesn't support the troops and should admit it, by Dennis Prager, advising Democrats to be honest and confess they do not support our troops. Prager has a point. He states the Left's message is "We believe this war is being fought for oil and for Halliburton and other corporations; we believe you are waging a war that is both illegal and immoral; we believe you have invaded a country for no good reason and have killed a hundred thousand Iraqis (the Left's generally mentioned number) for no good reason; but, hey, we sure do support you ... A German citizen during World War II could not have argued: "The Nazi regime's army is engaged in an evil war of aggression and is slaughtering millions of innocent people, and I therefore completely oppose this war, but I sure do support the Nazi troops." I guess Prager doesn't understand rhetoric from the opposition.

Kate/A/blog: Troop Support


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

involuntary slavery aka. Ambassador

So here I sit...er... stand work is not work today. I am an Ambassador. I think they give us this sought after title simply to help us feel better about our idiocy.

Monday, July 25, 2005

lack of smarts vs. hate

So I was reading through my long list of blogs and happened upon this comment. Kudos to the author which I am think MAY be the sites owner but can't be sure since it is logged as Anonymous. It is funny to think how easy the correspondence is to see between idiots and insane hate. Funny Funny.

So all Islamic should be excuted, cause you prove intolerance.

You feed the fire and your a dumbass kid with no brains, so Get fucked.


Anonymous @ 7:57pm, July 14th

1) Islamic is an adjective. Adjectives cannot be executed (see note 2).

2) 'excuted' is presumably a misspelling of 'executed'.

3) cause, in your post, is presumably a contraction of 'because' and should carry a preceding apostrophe to indicate this, i.e. 'cause, otherwise the word could be read as 'cause' as in reason. Ordinarily context supplies clues as to a writer's intention, but in the case of someone as illiterate as you clarity is essential.

4) If we accept your 'cause' as 'because', even at that your ....'cause you prove intolerance.... is a very clumsy construction. The use of 'All Islamic' (subject - with error re use of adjective as in point 1), does not permit the shift to 'you' (second person pronoun) as presumably the plurality you intend 'All Islamic' to refer to cannot be abandoned to then refer to a single individual.

5) 'you prove intolerance' is also clumsy, 'as your action proves' or 'as you prove to be intolerant' would have been more effective (albeit a debatable position and an opinion only, thereby rendering the use of 'prove' even more inappropriate),

6) 'you feed the fire and your...' - here 'your' is a misspelling of 'you're', your being a possessive pronoun, you're being a contraction of 'you are'

7) The word 'get' should not have been capitalized.


In all, your post of 25 words, 12 of them having only three letters or less, quite apart from its ramshackle construction contains seven errors of vocabulary, grammar, spelling, comprehension of the meanings of words and logic. It is possibly one of the poorest attempts at an abusive post that has ever been posted anywhere, rebounding on you, as it does, by exposing your lack of education and weak communication skills.

I'm afraid that you get an 'F' for your effort.

Eyes that wander.

I have been noticing something lately. There seems to be an increase in lewd looks from women. In times past men were gawkers doing anything to sneak a peak at all things feminine. But in recent days just wandering around I have noticed a huge change in the way women in general look at the opposite sex.

For instance, not to long ago a woman who thought you were nice looking would make casual glances toward you. A man if somewhat intelligent would pick up on this cue and if circumstances were right, he would take it the next level by smiling or something. Now I understand this is the 21 century and girls are aloud to ask guys out and all that but it seems there is a new topic of interest.

On two separate occasions I had a girl literally stare at my crotch. Now being unused to this kind of behavior I immediately thought I had something on my pants or my fly was open. Both times upon checking the girls got embarrassed or something giggled and walked a different angle.

After observing this I noticed it going on with everyone. I started to think I had accidentally walked into a singles park or something cause immediately I notice at least 4 women who were obviously prowling. It was the most amazing thing after guys walked by them they would gawk in amazement at their bums. Now I am no expert but is a male bum REALY that interesting. Under khaki slacks you can basically write off seeing anything of flesh. You probably won’t even see the clench of the ass check to stifle the impending fart.

What were they looking at? Had these women perfected the art of undressing a person in their head, something men have been proficient at for millennia. Or were these merely two sex starved cats looking for fresh meet. But since then I noticed it several times. Once just today I was speaking to someone at my office. She continually looked at my chest and crotch area. She even said "oh I am sorry I was distracted.. What was that."

Now I am no Fabio... that’s for damn sure, but I know I am ok around the ears. But, come on even I, a man can do better than that.

Is it possible that this skill is poorly developed in some of the populous? I have been told by girls that they know every time someone checks them out. Being a woman it just happens. You learn to get on with it. Maybe I need to do just that but man it is weird when you are trying to talk to someone and they don't really look you in the eye.

I feel like pulling the classic. Grab the chin to raise the head... and say "I am up here honey."

Awaken

I had a great week last. I took a break from everything and almost everybody. That included this blog. I thank everyone for your queries but at the time I was in no shape to respond so now here I sit, my first day back at work, and I am happy to be here. Now I need a break from myself. *smile*

What the fuck is happening? Anything new?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

I appoligise.

A few days back I blogged a couple things nither of which I checked the link the first one was the Homestar runner animation. That was supposed to be Virus

The other "The nerd who saw to much" I am not sure why all of a sudden you need to register for a view. So I will see if I can locate a mirror of that as it is an interesting read.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Beauty unharolded

So here I sit in our new chair. $40.00 regular over one hundred. It is comfy. Just one of those... never mind. I did not sit down to tell you about the chair. Truthfully until I sat down and felt the chair I had not even thought of it.

Anyway. I sit here with A and she decided she was bored of StarWars. So I put in Daffy duck and porky pig collection of the Looney tunes collection Volume 1. It is great. I sit hear watching her enjoy the program and think of how lucky I am. I have this little charm in my life. Just happy as hell. We are just hanging out.

I am going to go play.

The nerd who saw too much - Technology - smh.com.au

This is an interesting story read through to the part where they ask him what he saw.

?? "Non-terestrial Officers" ??

The nerd who saw too much - Technology - smh.com.au

Monday, July 11, 2005

Digi took this great photo

photo by media samurai

me and matteo sitting on steel.

adBUSTED

black dot adbustersSorry about the 4 hours of disgust here. I acctually looked into Google ads (which is ironic since I am a monthly reader of adbusters magazine) I have removed them now and have come to my senses. Corporate greed and the dreams of getting rich is infectious. Steer clear.

Not so sleepy

Here I sit I should have been asleep and hour or two ago. I went bed at 10. I usually have very little problems going to sleep, but I watched this crazy show about intervention, and it got me all wound up. I had to go for a walk around the block. This lady who is a meta head has a five year old son. She is one of two identical twins and had had a rough go. Her family did an intervention.

I started to cry and I don't mean the usual swelling of the eyes and a drip or two. No Sobbing. sKerry beside me sleeping I looked into her eyes. (Her eyes where closed but of course I can still see them). And told her I loved her.

I thanked her for sticking by me. Because that's what it's all about. Friends, Family but most importantly partner.

Partner is the word it always should have been the word. Skerry is not my girlfriend. Not my 'fiance'. Not my "old lady". She is my partner. Partners provide strength to the other. The provide a safe place to go.

I continue to weep only because sKerry doesn't feel that from me. I think she feels like she doesn't have a safe spot. This is probably because I have been hiding in her safe spot for so long I forgot to provide one. On top of all of this I have been trying so hard to provide a safe spot for Chicken noodle that I didn't even (almost) realize her mom needs one too.

I really want to provide this and I know I can. I provided it today. sKerry needs to know she can count on me and our 'partnership' is more than one sided.

I think I will go kiss her. Not a sloppy sexy kiss. Not a good night kiss. But a deep, serene, and real kiss brought on from a soul that now understands, wants to right what was wrong, and will do whatever it takes to make or home our sanctuary.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Friday, July 08, 2005

A nice little dream I had last night.

LATE NIGHTS dreams penetrated.
Permiated with death.
The hag walks still baby in hands
It's eyes already the feast of worms
She points her crooked finger my direction
Tells me the babe is mine.
A spitting image, with death pouring from its ears and mouth.
Dirt in my mouth reminds me of reality.
Only to wake in a state of distress.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Kissy kissy, now your pissy

Why are people so closed? Why, if an 'event' happened (and everyone knows about it) would you still be shy about it and pretend it never happened. A couple of friends that shall remain nameless were engaged in some less than innocent behavior. Both parties agreed that it was a strange and an uninitiated moment in time.

So I teased them. They both got all freaks. The thing is. EVERYONE knows. No big deal. You know what? Everyone thinks it is about time. But they still are unable to just embrace it and look each other in the eye. Childish. I admit if I was in a similar situation I would be freaky too, but my reasons are much different. Mine would not be self guilt or embarrassment but more anger with myself for disregarding the feelings of the person I am closest too. Neither of these parties have that situation so what is the deal? Does kissing and hugging your friend really constitute a problem to worry about. What has our world come to that a show of affection can literally destroy your relationship. What would have happened if you went the whole gamut. Would you move?

Forget it. It is no big deal and if you are both feeling that it is a big deal, take a look, maybe it is a bigger deal than even your aware and get married already!

Head clearing

I am confused and a bit affraid, I don't need sympathy I just need strength in the coming turmoil which I now understand may be unavoidable...

:|

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

I think we might be looking at this from the wrong angle.

BBC NEWS | Health | Longest frozen embryo baby born

The reason the baby was frozen for thirteen years is the staggering part.

"Debbie and Kent were told that some of their remaining embryos had been send to an East Coast university for experiments. They managed to track down eight."

What the hell? Can this really happen?

Just read the whole article. It's truly an amazing story.

My desk at work is gross.

Not like sticky gross or worse yet stinky. It is super dusty though and I am starting to have a hard time breathing. So I began to clean. 1 hour later I am at the home stretch. Found lots of cool shit. Threw away a lot of shit. And now I have a lot less shit.

Happy B-DAY D.L.

Dali Lama Birthday Card

A little WEENcite.

Janey came back from the stand
Smiling
With the writing of Kafka in hand
And a bunny in a can
Slipping and sliding
You feel yourself asking her
Why would you want me to try?
Squeezing your wrist and she's pulling you closer
Down where the devils are dying with laughter
Then led to a place where there's no form of pleasure
She blows you a kiss from her lips

She's your baby

Those below us can not be renounced
Cause they're talking
And for once I wish they'd shut up their mouths
Lock their doors and stay in the house
And while you're inside there
You might want to question the fact
That you're not quite the same
And look to the room where she's keeping so quiet
A million layers of crust and deposit
Blanket the seasons and bury the reasons
You told her that this was for good

She's your baby

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Communication.

What is this concept?

I always thought I was an expert at speaking my mind, bringing my feelings up and telling them how they are.

I seem to have completely lost this ability and it has been replaced with a damaging behaviour. I don't know how to interpet my own head. To reiterate my thoughts through speech is continually turning out poor. At first I blamed everyone else. But now I see it must be me.

What am I doing wrong. Where can I find these skills.

I want to get something so simple accross to the person whom I care for more than anyone else. And as of yet I cannot.

I can not say it any simpler.

"I am on your side!"

Thats it.

It comes out all wrong.

I am lost.

Thy kingom come.

Why do I and so many others spend there whole life trying to change people and ourselves into unnatural beings of suppressed desires. There is a world at our fingertips just waiting to be explored and played in but most of us are to scared to venture farther than a book or a movie. Life really can be a miracle. It is all about perception. Stand in the center of your kingdom and spin around look at what you have. Look at your kingdom. Look how wonderful it is. And if you look and see nothing you like. Then move on. Find a new kingdom. It is simple. Humans can be happy. I know because I am one.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Pressure from all sides.

There is a dull roar in my head. One of interesting thoughts sparked by others debate. Two of the disease the haunts my body. And a third unspeakable. Something needs to give lets just hope when one does it leaves no brains on the floor.

(or the walls for that matter)

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Peace.

Look into the eyes of your enemy. Look deep look to their soul. Now tell me where is the humanity in murder. Where is the freedom in your fatigues. Where is the compasion in your orders. Look again. While neither wrong neither right. Keep looking. See his children? They would love to play with yours. Learn something from the offspring. Acceptance. The weapons you both hold really are your key to peace. You lay them on the ground in a show of brotherhood. In a show of trust and forgivness. If you all do it right now would the wave of peace end? Could you all stand side by side and look to the sky and embrace one heaven. That is earth. We have our eden. And all of you are destroying it.