Twitch

The moon twitched in its place as the clouds surround and engulf its mass.
Fear summarizes the waves that pulse through the air.  
Everyone saw it, though no one will admit it.

Emotional discharge

There is an interesting symptom of the state of mind I have been in for few weeks.  I go to sleep ok relatively happy and feeling somewhat secure.  I wake up upset confused and insecure.  I know my brain has a tendency to feed me crap in my sleep.  I think this is the issue.  The strange part is I have no recollection of the torture it caused me.  This for me is odd I usually remember most of my evening, not mind the morning dreams.  I wonder sometimes if the issue is that I have stopped dreaming.  I wonder what the effect would be on a person who has spent there life dreaming and thinking through the night suddenly not doing so.  Could this cause this slightly empty feeling?  Or is it that I am having my usual Ego based dreams and forgetting them.

Or is it simply I go to bed in a euphoric state because I have the skin of my love beside me and I feel shitty leaving that warm comfortable place.

A number of things to think about.

Forced community awareness

I was standing in line with a colleague while they were buying their morning coffee.  The dealer, Starbucks.  We have a barista embedded in our building allowing our staff easy access to over priced under community compensated coffee.  I noticed a wonderfully formed advert for the social stance.  A beautifully composed photo of a unlabeled poor community with happy people running around.  This photo is intended to have us believe that these people where never happy until the extra 12 cents/ton started filling their pockets.  Under this photo a catchy slogan: As the leader in the Worldwide Coffee community, we must support….

Feel good.  The words community and support.   Aww thanks Starbucks.  Thanks a lot.

The word MUST is troubling.  Since Execs at SB have had their pockets lined with gold on the backs of the working men and women of the third world, should they not WANT to give a bit back.

I realized that Starbucks through this ad has given up on truly socially conscious people.  They are grasping at the lowest common denominator, the people who have heard a bit about corporation or have even possibly watched Corporation 101 (the corporation).

Feel good.  We are trying to help.  Fuck you.  You are trying to make millions by selling coffee that’s mediocre at best.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t live in that dream world where people should be sowing our own crops and living off beat juice and tofu, but don’t patronize me.

If a cup of your coffee costs $2.25 don’t go trying to make people think they are helping a community by drinking it.  If you were really worried about the low man on the totem pole you would not be able to sell that coffee for less than 5 bucks.  And you know what I would by a 5 dollar coffee if I knew that the rainforests were not depleting and people were not starving because of your fair trade.  

Captain Destructor Day

So here I am.  Walking through my day by 10 I had dealt with an idiot loan shark trying to get me to get a loan through this moronic company.  Poorly I will add.

By 11 I had possibly destroyed at least two relationships, both business, both personal.

By 1 I had dealt with a crack head yelling expletives at my partner, and having no way to protect her.

By two I dealt with the fact that through dealing with all this I have neglected the work I need to get done.

Plus un top of all that, I am involved in a project with a bunch of imbeciles that can't figure out that they made mistakes in the project that have cost us all valuable time.

I have decided today October 21, is Captain Destructor day.  Where will I be by the time the sun sets.

A big thank you

I thank everyone, for there concern and kind words.  I know that there has been some seriousness and weight on the blog as of late.  And I am sorry I could not be more forthcoming with information.  This is something between me and mine and I feel it best if people outside my immediate circle know very little as I would hate for people to judge and give opinions without the background required to make those valid.  

Again I thank everyone for the concern but I want everyone to know that there is a level of peace in my life I have not had for a while.  I am fine.  I will be fine.  And I will be back to myself in the very near future.  I know I have the love of so many people and I know everyone really cares.

All in love

Trevor

Bread

The last few posts have been nothing but seriousness. Now onto lighter topics.

Bread.

I like bread. I don't remember the first time I had bread but I am sure I was like "Wow this stuff is good!"

I had some bread last night it was really good. I put a bit to much garlic in the butter which made me feel kind of ill but I got over it.

Bread is also a word for money. I also like money so you can say I like bread in both ways.

Jesus liked bread. He broke bread with his friends. I need to break more bread. Then I will have people in the future eating plastic bread in grand buildings devoted to me.

Healing comes easier than first thought

I feel good today. Actually I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel relieved. Relieved to have found the source of my ANXIETY. Once an issues source is found it becomes easy to put that issue to rest.

I have found myself again. I know where I belong. I know what I need to do. That is better myself so I can be a valid partner. I need to quit blaming everyone for who I am and realize I am not bad so I need not blame anyone. You can only be beat down so far, and then you realize there is a ladder to climb up again. That ladder was fastened by my Angel. At first I felt unsure if I could trust that angel tied the knots hard enough. I though if she was willing to leave me in the hole now could she really be giving me a way out now? Well I took a chance. And now I am out. At the top I looked into her eyes and thanked her. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for showing me how strong I am and how strong we can be together.

So let this rest I say. Let it become a silly story. Let it become something we can look back on fondly and say. Remember that funny time when we thought we hated each other?

And then look at what we have achieved and say I am sure glad that is behind us.

Horizons.

BTW notice it is sunny today?

GABL day - US

Monday is GABL day according to sKerry.

This GABL is dedicated to us.

It all started one fucked up night. I had been feeling glum. A friend in an attempt to make me feel better asked me to come downtown to meet him and his Girl of the time for a drink.

I was saying no but finally he talked me into it. So I arrived at the Fox n' Firkin on Davie street. A place neither of us had been to much. I was sitting there wallowing in my sorrow and a glass of beer when I started that fate filled sentence.

"I don't know man I think I need a change. Something completely different. Something like..." A girl in a short pleated kilt like skirt with Fuscia hair walked by. "That." I finished.

I watched this angel (I have no other way of explaining her) sitting there laughing and hugging this fellow. Alas she appeared to be with someone. But for some reason that did not deter me. Just as I stood to go make contact she left the table. I don't know what compelled me. But I kept walking. I sat myself down at the table beside her supposed boyfriend and started my act. I sat conversing about tonight's happenings until I felt a little tug at the hair at the back of my head. I looked and who was it but the angel. Complete with a happy dance.

I still thought she was with this guy so I moved and gave her her seat. The group of us started to talk. And in turn I was invited to accompany them out to another club. I said my goodbyes to my friend and away I went. Little did I know how this chain of events would change my life.

Us. What I know about us.

I know us to be two of the most caring and loving people.

I know us to be fun loving.

I know us to be great talker and occasionally great listeners.

I know us to love walks together hand in hand.

I know us to be thinkers.

I know us to be a couple that lights a room.

I know us to be completely alike (to much so sometimes)

I know us to be strong.

I know us to be fragile.

I know us to be compatible in all ways.

I know us to love to hang out just the two of us.

I know us to love friends and that atmosphere.

I know we have a lot of people rooting for us.

I know we have a couple people rooting against us.

I know us to be easily hurt.

I know us to be people who WANT to work through all.

I know us to be responsive to others need.

I know us to have a beautiful little girl.

I know us to not be the best at staying on top of our mountain.

But most of all I know us to be just that. Us.

I love you Kerry. I love you more than I can tell you. I show you that in every time I look at you. Although you sometimes a bullheaded and don't see what is right in front of your eyes, you are nothing less than angelic. Your beauty physically mirrors your inner beauty. Your eyes are taps to my soul not mind yours.

I could not ask for a better soulmate to spend my life with in entirety.

XO

Julia - This song rings what I want to say

he's the one that always stands with a smile
She's pure and right and
Bathed in some kind of light
She's sicker than hell, but always feeling fine
The whole thing just makes me wanna cry

Hey hey Julia you're the closest thing to an angel
That I'll ever find
My friend Julia, she hasn't got a clue
But Julia always stays true

Tall as a mountain, but yet so fine
Her feet never touch ground
But that's all right
I don't understand what they're doing to her
I wanna scream she's not too good to be true

Every thing is gonna be fine
You're gonna be all right

Pain is unneccesary

When a person feels hurt the tendancy is to milk the wound. Thats crazy. If you had your throat slit would you keep poking the hole just to see how much blood you could loose and keep walking. No, you cover the wound you apply pressure and you never look back. The body heals much faster than the mind but the process is the same. Bleed, scab, repair, shed. In the end you may have a scar but even that fades with time.

Shit through the blades of an air movement device

Things have come to pass. The source of my anxiety has been found. My insecurities justified and my world shaken. I learnt something about myself yesterday. I am an understanding and forgiving person. I am a person who can look past pain and see the truth behind it.

I have been wronged. I have been wronged in the most decietful way. I was let down in ways that no human being should ever be let down. The sad thing is people will continue to let each other down in this way unil the end of time. This is nothing new. I just thought I had found something more true more real. I was shown the reality. Nothing can be true enough that you can let your gaurd down. Not for a second.

I forgive. That is my way. My way is also to try and forget, but I now see that will take time. Everytime I think I will be haunted with images and the words that were said. "Although he is a jerk..."

I will feel the sadness and pain again. I will relive my time alone just innocently wishing for my partner to return home so I could show her I was not the bad person she made me out to be. The person that didn't care, didn't listen, fucked around to much, was a no good pot head, and the JERK.

But now I see I am not that bad person, it was excuses. Excuses for selfishness. Excuses to make me feel bad and pick up her slack. I forgive her for that. I forgive her for the pain she is causeing me at this very moment.

I am not giving her another chance. I am giving myself another chance at being whole. This is my life. This is my love. This is who I am. This is what I have. If it is not enough. Go find your fill. Just leave me out of it. I am not a patsy. I am a genuine human being that has needs and desires. And the above all biggest need? Truth.

Daily review #2

Now I am aware these have not quite been daily, but I have got a few today worth mentioning.

"You look tired."

"You look terrible."

And my personal favorite.

"What happened?"

That one spells it out. Do I really look like something traumatic happened? My hair is a mess I have bags under my eyes and I smell of something.

Kafka. I heard your word last time so this time let try a bit nicer approach. :)

Hymn to the NARCS

The darkness was a comforting veil. streets lined with the usual yellow glow. The cedar bushes releasing the stench with there light dampening masses. There are shadows on every corner. The air cold with the first streams of autumn wind rustling the scabs on the trees about to be torn completely from the limbs.

Two men previously engaged in a brutal display of narcotic experimentation, strut. The heated arguments and engaging discussion long since had. Stories of despair told and heard. But not quite understood as far as origins. "It kind of gets annoying to constantly here about 'those' days."

"What?" Understood inwardly. There is a terrible sin in ones past. Not the action but the reliving it. Over and Over. Cars on the road should long since been stalled. Others up to no good. The man getting in his van. Poor soul. Work on a Sunday? Four in the morning? Or is it more sinister. The mistress lays sleeping, after the husbands "long day at work". Wife at home, kids in bed. Nothing is wrong with this picture. Right?

"My shoes are getting wet."
"Quit being a baby."

Little did he think of the of the others previous statement. "I don't like wet socks." Turned away as a useless phobia. "Ridiculous."

The house door banging on it's hinges after every return for just one more. Than the walks. Incessant. Two men. One drug.

Who is this person I see in the mirror? He looks tired.

I have been complaining a lot in the last few years about chronic fatigue. Everyday I wake and feel no more rested than the night before. I look at my diet, not great. I look at my exercise regime, non-existent. I look at my stress level, high. I look at my happiness, not always.

All this are possible triggers for how I feel. I need to get over the hump. It is one of those classic catch 22 things. I need the energy to go out and exercise but the lack of exercise is the reason for my tiredness. I need to cook more and take lunches more. But I rarely feel like cooking. I need to be more happy and less stressed, but it is the lack of exercise that's got me down.

It is so difficult, but that is no cop-out. I am going to do it. Starting now.

I have had this running through my skull

"Exhibit Of The Year"

Where were you when I said
"You remind me of a portrait in a dream"?
So I'll say, "Cry, but your watercolors fade,
This ain't science baby, it's called creativity."

If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right,
If I move my hands right would you see yourself disappear?
If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right.

I wash my filthy hands off,
As your watercolors stain my fingers red and black.
So, take my brushes off your portrait of a face
'Cause I will paint your smile into obscurity.

If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right,
If I move my hands right would you see yourself disappear?
If I move my hands right (if I move my hands right),
If I move my hands right.

Fill lips with black lines,
Darken your smile.
Layer paint upon paint until the words dry dead.

Deep in your mouth, a desert's dry air.
Layer pain upon paint like you were never there.

Will you see yourself disappear?
Will you see yourself disappear
(Like you were never there)?
Will you see yourself disappear
(Like you were never there)?

Daily review

You look horrible

That’s my review today.  Every morning I have a plethora of people come to my desk and snicker and give me a review on my current state.  Two today.  Horrible and sketchy.  That’s nice.  I am glad I can bring to the workplace a feeling of such.  I feel ruff but horrible is a gross overstatement.  

So my new feature Daily review.

I will keep you posted.