Monday, October 17, 2005

Shit through the blades of an air movement device

Things have come to pass. The source of my anxiety has been found. My insecurities justified and my world shaken. I learnt something about myself yesterday. I am an understanding and forgiving person. I am a person who can look past pain and see the truth behind it.

I have been wronged. I have been wronged in the most decietful way. I was let down in ways that no human being should ever be let down. The sad thing is people will continue to let each other down in this way unil the end of time. This is nothing new. I just thought I had found something more true more real. I was shown the reality. Nothing can be true enough that you can let your gaurd down. Not for a second.

I forgive. That is my way. My way is also to try and forget, but I now see that will take time. Everytime I think I will be haunted with images and the words that were said. "Although he is a jerk..."

I will feel the sadness and pain again. I will relive my time alone just innocently wishing for my partner to return home so I could show her I was not the bad person she made me out to be. The person that didn't care, didn't listen, fucked around to much, was a no good pot head, and the JERK.

But now I see I am not that bad person, it was excuses. Excuses for selfishness. Excuses to make me feel bad and pick up her slack. I forgive her for that. I forgive her for the pain she is causeing me at this very moment.

I am not giving her another chance. I am giving myself another chance at being whole. This is my life. This is my love. This is who I am. This is what I have. If it is not enough. Go find your fill. Just leave me out of it. I am not a patsy. I am a genuine human being that has needs and desires. And the above all biggest need? Truth.

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